My thoughts are often scattered throughout all the possibilities I can imagine. Here are *just* the ones I've had regarding my curiosity about God's plan for my children's future education and how my ability either helps that or HARMS that?!?!
homeschool mom?
teaching professionally?
Some other career?
Will my kids have strong, eternal character traits?
My kids learning in our home, quietly, one-on-one (well, one-on-two)?
Will we have more babies?
Will my kids be unkind teens making inappropriate jokes in class with friends?
What if my kids become hateful, disrespectful adults?
EVERYTHING is my fault! Why don't I know more!?
cozy clothes all day at home?
dress respectably to feel more attuned to the day's unpredictability?
Planning curriculum with two little people constantly talking to me? What?! How?!
Organizing this crazy mess?
Clean the house every single second of every single day, making zero progress?
Will I get all my runs in this week?
Am I a terrible mommy for enjoying running, since it requires time?
Set scheduling boundaries to accomplish everything in an always messy and useful home?
I got up at 5, worked non-stop, and I still can't get even close to caught up!
Am I behind because I am too busy?
Why can't I organize my time and activities like all the other seeming experts?
How are my kids processing their surroundings with constant activity?
How do we enrich our family AND handle all the other social responsibilities?
Today my brain seems capable!
Today my brain might start giving off sparks!
Well, teaching in a private school the past three weeks has already revealed a lot of useful perspective that will help me better manage my time as a homeschool mom. I hate being my own boss because I second-guess myself with every decision that regards duty or fun. Being under someone else's authority and someone else's schedule is relieving to me after the past 5+ years of either being way too hard on myself or way too lenient. Oh, the extremes.
Now I have a better idea of what shaping lesson plans requires of my time and energy. Also, I am really strange and relationally neurotic, but I get really anxious doing something other than giving my kids 100% instructional attention every day, whether it's just for fun or character building or being their tour guide through this big world. If my husband is at work and can't be with them, then I feel guilty doing anything personally enjoyable, any housework, any homeschool planning while the boys are awake. Now that they can play well together, I am lightening up on myself... but my tendency toward helicopter parenting is a recipe for resentment and codependent tendencies that don't help us. This teaching job has been very eye-opening for my personal capabilities, as well as my kids'.
Trying to connect with teenagers is good. Not easy or fun some of the time, but good.
The length of this opportunity is just right; three weeks down, six more weeks to go. I miss my babies so much! And they miss me. By Friday we're all a mess. Our older said to me one day, on the way home from my sister's, where they usually stay while I work, "Mommy, when we get home, will you just hold me?" And our younger (2 in December) still nurses all.night.long., as well as at naptime (before and during). He is actually napping very well, but we are both ready to see each other and get mommy milk cuddles when I pick him up. I have been pumping at lunch time, since he isn't eating as usual on weekdays. Leaky boobs in front of teenagers just sounds awful... but maybe it wouldn't be an issue at this point. "Neurotic Nicoll"--i say it for many reasons!
Like I said, this perspective of a full-time teacher is a gift for making me a more successful homemaker and homeschool mom... but I sure am thankful I will be with my babies again soon! We're all calmer and more at peace. Everyone is different, but I wanna be with them in our home.
I have been running before school in the dark mornings (on the treadmill) or when I get home... in the dark evenings (on the treadmill). I plan to officially start training Thanksgiving week for my first full marathon in April. I am so excited! And terrified! :) I plan to get some safety lights for running in the dark to get outside more.
Oh, and our house: a DISASTER! (My mother-in-law stayed with us this past week because she wanted to help. She is the only reason any laundry or dishes were cleaned. Many thanks to her!)
Two cloth diaper pads have had to be thrown out because they were forgotten in a bag for too many days with no washing. Ew. I think we're doing pretty well.
Father-God, you are good.
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