On the Art of Becoming A Friend to Self

Metaphors help me put myself in more empathetic shoes with healthier perspectives (the plural is important). The idea of building up myself and others toward progress has been significant to me lately. As a follower of Jesus, I am an active construction worker in a Kingdom of souls.

Thinking of each person as a building in construction helps me realize how my words and actions can reinforce a person’s architectural structure, so to speak. If each person’s heart is a potential sculpture, then I understand some bits need to be chipped away with gentle and intentional strokes to reveal an amazing image. And imagining humans as fellow sojourners through the wilderness of life’s valleys and mountains, the significance of individual strengths and weaknesses for a group’s goal becomes visible.

We have three little boys, and their hearts’ shapes matter more to me than anyone’s, which means everyone’s matters to me a great deal because everyone is someone’s baby. (Sad, overwhelmed face.)  All of these metaphors help me envision people as individual jewels in a community setting with a long-term purpose for God’s Kingdom. Including myself. Each day I am the first person either choosing to be my friend or my enemy, which has an impact on all of my activities and relationships.

The second greatest command is hard for me. Jesus wants me to love my neighbor as myself. What does that even mean? People tote it around and pass it out like an easy spelling test, and I feel like a kindergartner trying to ace a quantum physics exam when I haven’t learned to read yet, and neither have the bozos handling the grades.

The blurred lines of how to love a person confound me. “As myself”?! Words like “self” and “love” subtly terrify me. The world’s extreme self-indulgence versus unhealthy church-culture’s self-neglect clouds the direction of how to love myself, and therefore others.

It’s time to blow the smoke away and face the beast. Letting myself be loved, by God and myself and others, is the basis of everything I believe God has been communicating through history about our existence: How to be loved and how to love, how to be like Him. (Matthew 5:37-40; Galatians 5:14)

“Self” conjures guilt for me because of all.the.sermons about “J-O-Y; Jesus first, others second; yourself last.” Maybe healthy people with well-defined emotional boundaries can shape their priorities and live fruitful lives with that acronym. But codependent tendencies transform that acronym into a recipe of self-neglect, irresponsibility, self-loathing, and a victim mentality. Since many starve for this true love, we vacuum up anything that numbs the inevitable suffering of life -- empty calories of comfort, often in the form of isolated addictions or destructive relationships.

“Love” — ugh. This word. Ugh. So many misconceptions and folly parading in a mask of “love.” When I am given the direction to “love,” I feel like someone gave me a raft at the beach and told me to just float until I hit land on the other side of the ocean. I need clarity here. My observation of others is that many people feel the same overwhelmed confusion by this concept. Love is too complex and alive to be reduced to a system, though; and my heart also aches to see it degraded to impulsive feelings. So how to navigate this breathing, beating, persevering part of our minds, bodies, hearts -- souls? Hmm?

Cruelty and bullying obviously are not love. On the other extreme end of the spectrum, though, coddling and enabling are missing the mark too. But how many of us have unfair expectations of ourselves each day -- and we handle our failures to meet those expectations by neglecting or harming ourselves (verbally, emotionally, physically); or we give up on everything, instead of seeking for healthy compromises in between our all-or-nothing thinking? Both are a way of losing self-control; the former by overstepping the bounds of responsibility in a violent way, and the latter by not claiming responsibility in uncomfortable moments of constructive relational interaction. Some moments call for the courage and strength of “tough love,” while others call for the tenderness of mercy and understanding. Not to mention different needs for different personalities with different traumas and strengths. Overload! Why can’t I have a script or a map for these possibilities?

A script and clear paths won’t happen before we start our building, sculpting, sojourning. But we can be given a direction to write or forge our own with some guidelines. God actually gives a lot of guidelines about healthy love that have been corrupted by culture, tradition, and stigma.

LOVE...

• Is patient
• Is kind
• Does not want what belongs to others
• Does not brag
• Is not proud
• Does not dishonor other people/ is NOT rude
• Does not look out for its own interests
• Does not get angry easily
• Does not keep track of others’ wrongs
• Is not happy with evil
• Is full of joy when truth is spoken
• Always protects
• Always trusts
• Always hopes
• Never gives up

1 Corinthians 13

I don’t think anyone would actually come out and say that neglecting oneself is healthy, but enough sermons about how terrible it is to be selfish without clear lines drawn between what it means to take care of oneself as a human with needs and potential in God’s Kingdom VERSUS indulgent, destructive selfishness has created so much sickness in God’s Kingdom. Instead of breaking people down, we want to build them up, right? Ourselves, too, right?

Finding practical tools to practice treating yourself like a friend helps. Every person is different. For me the key is to find TRACTION when I get knocked down the slippery slopes of my self-doubt and -loathing in the face of life’s demands. “Traction” is currently my favorite word because I can sink my teeth into it while I feel my heart’s feet grab hold of something solid and the strength steele me from foundation to dome. Here are some things that help me gain strength:

Unconditional Self-Friendship

• I try to do some kind of devotional, either my breakfast reader or the online She Reads Truth, before my day gets too far away from me. Reminders of God’s big-picture-love still my soul (at least a bit) before I get swept away in the rush of tiny endless questions, homeschool and caring for three babies, plus all the other stuff.

• An imaginary start over button that I can push any time a day while talking to God about it, however many times I need to change my attitude. Even if I JUST pushed it, or I already pushed it twenty times, I can push it again. Pretend it’s there in the air. Push it. It is way better for my husband and kids if I stop and try again than to go down the cycle of failure and self-loathing when I make a mistake.
• If I wouldn’t say or do it to someone else, then I shouldn’t say or do it to myself. Don’t be mean to you. You’re a person. You matter too.
• I hang up signs and scriptures around the house that give me peace and/or courage. What would I tell my best friend if she felt this way?  “Unconditional self-friendship.”
• HALT means stop -- if you’re Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired, stop and take care of yourself (Eat, address the issue, rest). Don’t deprive yourself of physical or emotional needs because you think you deserve to suffer. Enough inevitable suffering goes around in life that we can endure for growth; don’t tear yourself down with meaningless and unnecessary neglect. And have you ever had a successful interaction with loved ones when you were hangry? Taking care of yourself helps you take care of your relationships and loved ones. Remember the cliche example of the oxygen mask on the airplane? You put on yours first, and THEN you can help people. You cannot help anyone if you are passed out.
• Exercise. I know not everyone likes this, but even a simple walk can clear the mind and untangle worries. Breathe. Move. You’ll become one with your mind and body.
• Enjoy the little things. A pretty mug with a hot cup of tea in the morning, and then a pretty jar with a cup of iced tea later in the day, brings me sweet pleasure and refreshment when dealing with responsibilities. It sounds silly, but after years of not sleeping through the night, and not consuming caffeine bc I hate coffee, (and because I got some kind of sick pleasure out of seeing how tough I could be through misery), I realized how significant this “little thing” is to myself and the people I am learning to love better each day.
• Do not compare yourself to others. We each have different personalities, different traumas, different seasons of life, different health issues. You take care of YOU where you ARE. If you have an illness, take the nap you need. If you’re chasing kids (all day and night), don’t bully yourself about a messy house. If you are busy doing good works or celebrating life events or dealing with responsibilities, talk to yourself outloud about what matters most. Don’t miss precious moments for meaningless ones. (Talking to myself. Seriously, you can’t say this stuff out loud enough.)
• Claim your responsibilities. Don’t fall victim to a victim mindset. Facing fears and dealing with life is exhausting, but it builds self-confidence for controllable issues and trust in the Lord for the uncontrollable ones.
• Learn to detach from negativity. People are going to have hard feelings toward you, no matter who you are. Look at criticism realistically. If you need to apologize or change your ways, take responsibility. If you believe you haven’t done anything wrong, push forward and allow yourself to be joyful. Don’t get caught in silly nets that unhappy people throw.

I could probably write dozens of these, but who has time to even read what I already wrote?! Hah! Please feel free to share with me what you like to do to help yourself, anything general or specific?

An arsenal of love with which to love better can’t be too full!