Happy is not the only feeling

"H is for happy / I like this feeling best." One of my son's alphabet books describes emotions and has the facial expressions of several chubby-cheeked babies to make it twenty-six times cuter. Happy is a good feeling. One we all chase daily.

But it is not the only feeling. And it is not right for all times.

At the end of this day, I cannot sleep because my soul feels icky. A beloved actor ended his own life today, and everyone is trying to fix everyone else who may try to do the same. ISIS is still doing unspeakable horrors to the Christian families in Iraq. And the millions of other atrocities that are hurting people, precious individuals, in all the places between make me also want to apply ointment to the wound of humanity.

I am sitting in my cozy home. Safe. Loved. Confused.

I am thinking about emotions and their broad spectrum. Because life is a broad spectrum, and in my little place on the planet, in this space and time, I am experiencing a teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeny-tiny piece of it directly and reading about a massive load of it on the screen in front of my face. And I am not even aware of an even more massive load of it all.

Whoa. How to process it all?

This morning at breakfast, I dedicated our morning Bible time to a(n attempted) lesson in emotional intelligence for our 3-year-old. Even when he is crying and has a red face over an upset, he will insist he is happy, not sad or angry. My husband and I have done our best to assure him, in words and responses since birth, that any feelings, even the icky ones, are acceptable and good in their own rite. But yet he insists he is happy, not sad or angry. Ever.

So this morning I got out the chart of smiley and not-so-smiley faces that my counselor gave me to help pinpoint emotions.

Happy. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Disappointed. Calm. Excited. Anxious.

And then I got out Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

One of the things we constantly remind our son, multiple times daily, is that there is a right time for things and a "not right" (I find it difficult even to say "wrong") time for things. Because to him all time should be the right time for play time and only play time. Ah, to be 3 again, and to have no clue that without eating or sleeping playing would be impossible. :)

"There is a time for everything.

Born. Die.

Plant. Pluck up.

Kill. Heal.

Break down. Build Up.

Weep. Laugh.

Mourn. Dance.

Cast away. Gather.

Embrace. Refrain from embracing.

Seek. Lose.

Keep. Cast away.

Tear. Sew.

Keep silence. Speak.

Love. Hate.

War. Peace."

I thought the Ecclesiastes passage would be a good example of all the different emotions and experiences humans have. Because, like it or not, we have good AND bad experiences. Joy AND suffering. I admit, I skipped over "kill" and "hate" and "war" because I am uncomfortable with them (And I am not sure how to talk with a 3yo about them). But the Christians in Iraq at this time are facing those awful things at this time, like it or not. I despise it.

Pretending only the good emotions or the good experiences exist -- or worse, that only the good ones count -- isolates and paralyzes each of us when we need to connect most, during those vulnerable times.

Pushing aside those icky feelings, like sadness and anger and disappointment, leads to more sadness and anger and disappointment than one person can handle alone, which becomes expressed in addictions and homicides and suicides. It leads to hate. Hate of self. Hate of life.

So. As much as I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever want my children to suffer, I cannot pretend that they will not. If I do, then they will be stranded in a prison of self loathing and not be able to find the way out.

Negative/dark emotions are not bad. They are not a selfish illusion. They are real, and they can be felt and expressed in a healthy way. But they have to be felt. They can be numbed for a time by jokes or drinks or foods or medications, but then they just fester and grow and eat away at every part of a person. They have to be felt to be healed.

We are all called to serve each other. Each of us is responsible for how we handle our own reactions to our feelings, and I dislike the way some abuse their feelings -- like a tyrant over everyone around them. But we can help and encourage each other, even if we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves.

Let's help each other by validating the icky things that happen and not rushing them out of existence. Let's do that by not belittling or judging things that we don't and can't understand.

Belittling the experiences of others because they aren't "as bad" as someone else's is an ignorant way to tear wounds on hearts of people who want healing. We each have our own perspectives, separated and incomparable to anyone else's.

Let's allow each other to be weak, so we can help each other become stronger. And we can only help each other be stronger by letting people admit their weaknesses AND celebrate their strengths.

I think the Devil has won many battles by convincing Christians that selflessness equals self-hate or self-neglect.

• It is not wrong to talk about yourself and your struggles or strengths or interests. 
• It is good to do things you like. 
• It is good to seek respect and love from people around you. That's what you want for others, right? You can want all these things for yourself. You are just as precious to God as the others he wants you to love.

Distorted love. Perverted love. The Devil has also won many battles by convincing many that love equals feeling good. A toddler thinks playing and candy feel good. How long will he survive in a world with only candy and playing? Hmm...?

"Be strong and courageous and do not be afraid."

Love is tough. Life is tough. We each have to find strength to deal with ourselves, as well as the courage to encourage each other. I am the worst at avoiding difficult conversations with people I barely know. But when life gets tough, conversations have to go deeper than clothes and weather and what I did last weekend. In fact, I guess we can't get past "barely know" if we aren't brave enough to broach the negative sides of a "time for everything." If feelings can be good and icky, then perhaps we need to allow some of our conversations to reach uncomfortable levels so we can help each other. And in a world with no time for it all, when will we find the right time for these conversations?

Jesus, come quickly.

And, until you do, please help me not to check out of challenging or difficult emotions or situations while I wait for total healing for all of us.