In both homeschool and running , the past week's failure and impossibility of meeting my great, too-big, wannabe-over-achieving expectations slapped me in the face with sobering reminders of my limitations. And, graciously, God reminded me of His peaceful control and providence.
First, I started the week realizing my right foot is injured; so I went through the emotions of hoping it was just a little tired (Will it be magically healed with a couple days rest?) to despairing that rest wasn't helping (Am I gonna have to postpone my training and racing for months?!) to thanking God for putting people in my path to help me get closer to my first half marathon on October 17. As silly as it sounds to... probably everyone... this race has been the clearest thing on my bucket list for years. It is a huge deal to me!
I struggled with plantars fasciitis a decade+ ago (an overstretched/torn tendon on the bottom of my foot makes my heel hurt, and it takes a reeeeeeally long time to heal, in layman's terms). I still can't tell for sure if that is my problem now... But since my brother-in-law, who runs countless full marathons each year, has plantars fasciitis himself, he called to encourage me. Guess what?! I can run on it! If he can run full marathons, like the Boston Marathon this past April (For those who don't know, a runner has to be awesome to even be allowed to do that race. My bro-in-law did great!), then I can run too! He convinced me of ice's healing powers, so I've been icing the soreness a couple of times a day and...
rubbing Do Terra Essential Oils from my wonderful, giving mom all over that foot. She gave me a Deep Blue cream and marjoram and lemongrass. My foot smells interesting. :)
Also, my stepdad gave me a free pass a few months ago to a gym. So I got to cross-train one day this week on a stationary bicycle to help out that foot too. (And I found out the one free session I thought I had is actually three free sessions... which will help me cross-train the next two weeks before the half.
How blessed am I to receive the emotional and physical uplifting from these three people. I begged God to restore my confidence because my head was bummed out at the beginning of the week. I got two great runs in, including my long one, both at or under my goal pace of 8 minutes per mile (and that was trying to ease up for my foot's sake.
I also realized how I have gotten too big for my britches. Reality check! I won my first 5K in August under my goal time at 22:56 (at a really tiny, not-impressive-to-anyone-but-my-loved-ones event. Lol!) And I read about marathoners every week. But am I training for my umpteenth full marathon, with all that strength and fitness under my belt... yet? Have I ever even run a half marathon... yet? Nope!!! I needed to be reminded I can't train the same as some of my fav's... yet. I downloaded an official half marathon beginning plan to keep me grounded and uninjured the next two weeks. Check out CoachJenny.com for free training plans.
More than running abilities (SO.MUCH.MORE! Because it can't be taken away by evil or illness or death or even confusion) I want confidence from God's peace that in rest or action, illness or health, good or bad, God is with me. The evil one wants us to feel forgotten and worthless. I do not want to fall for this lie. I have faith God can guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Thank you, God.
As far as homeschool goes, my fear of it getting swept up in our busy lifestyle became reality this week. We did do some of it, but a lot of my planned activities got squashed out. Little Love had the croup, so he needed extra cuddles and a different schedule. And my plans to teach high school American Literature at a private school as a maternity sub for my friend from late October until Christmas break are requiring a lot of preparation. I know God wants things to work out this way, so I am not unhappy about the shift in plans. But since our entire lifestyle hinges on me being in our house full-time, adjustments require attention for this upcoming fall. And attention requires time and mental energy. And time and mental energy disappear around here like a firefly's flickering backside in the distance.
Fall is my favorite time. Aside from the obvious seasonal delights, each of my three guys' birthdays are coming up: our firstborn's at the end of October, my husband's in November, and our toddler's in December. I really like birthday parties and celebrations and doing things with loved ones, so I like to "go overboard". I need more time and energy! My brain is trying so hard to pull off all these special and everyday things, down to our homemade bread loaves, and I can see the smoke coming out my ears.
I still plan to give Big Love work to do at my sister's each day and to work with him in the afternoons when I am finished teaching... But he is just doing pre-K. I have been exhausting my mental energy like the State is already monitoring his education. A homeschool friend with an older child told me that in kindergarten I will have to document four hours (I am pretty sure) of school each weekday. So I have been trying to do that... Silly Nicoll! It's like I am training for the sub-3-hour full-marathon on my newbie half-marathon legs in homeschool world. It's like I am prepping him for college, and he is not even 5... yet.
God has us here, in this time and place with these abilities, whatever they are (or are not). I know the plans I have for the future, and I burn a lot of energy trying to do them all RIGHT NOW. God may not have the same plans for me that I have. I know He had different plans up to this point than I did, and I am SO thankful for His omniscient and providential ways.
Father-God, please continue teaching me to be present in the space and time where You have me, continually giving me discernment on how to tackle my to-do list in the right way, with the abilities I have. Just as a newborn baby can't learn to walk or run without experiencing certain other important phases, I must experience this season to get to the next ones the right way. Please help me simplify and chill out. I know a lot of my stress comes from a desire to compensate for previous passionless and idle years with my new-found driven passion to.do.all.the.good.things.right.now. But where does my planning get me? A burnt out spirit with a bum foot and an out-of-order house. Thank You for getting me to a place where I do not feel unloved by You with my limits and flaws. I truly, deeply feel AND believe You love me, no matter what. Thank You, Spirit, for busting through that insecurity. I feel an urgent desire to do what I want because I finally want good things. You know I also desire some bad things. Please just keep me far from my vices and watch over me until I grow to the next phase, and then please do the same for the next bazillion phases and seasons until I make it Home with You and Jesus. Thank You so much for Spirit! In Jesus' name, thank You!
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