I am a fighter. I strive to make myself and everything around me the way I believe they “should be.” Never content, always seeking improvement, drawn toward this perfect and illusive form I constructed with childhood perceptions and expectations.
Well.
Sometimes that makes for useful motivation toward healthy transformation.
But.
Other times it results in burning more (useless) effort than I possess. And that takes a toll.
What is the healthy balance between gratitude/presence AND more/growth?
I don’t know. That’s why this is about “the art of my heart,” as I learn through progress rather than insist on nonexistent perfection.
A friend with a psychology background shared a formula with me years ago that I never think to apply until life forces me to surrender. And then I have an “Aha!” moment when striving obviously has negative results, instead of affecting progress.
Pain x Resistance = Suffering
Let’s start with something trivial to illustrate:
Getting stuck in traffic while running late is the pain (4). Yelling/honking your horn/cussing/complaining, even though those don’t change your status in the traffic, are the resistance (0-10).
4 x 0 = 0 OR 4 x 2= 8 OR 4 x 4 = 16
The pain will happen. Bad traffic, illnesses, inconvenient timing, other people’s choices. How we react to those can change the amount of needless suffering we experience, which affects the shape of our hearts.
This amounts to accepting where I am, even if i dislike myself or my circumstances. I can’t magically become the wise 70-year-old with myriad wisdom of decades of experiences just because I want to be that woman. I can’t simply escape some of the events that happen in my life and still be part of my life. Work and striving are part of the process in transforming as we suffer, no doubt. But the process cannot be rushed. And forcing growth when we cannot control it stunts it at best and stops it at worst.
We also don’t have to simply disengage in this surrender to presence. The opposite of resistance is support.
So instead of pitching an adult fit in the traffic jam, I can turn on my favorite music and sing along or call an old friend to pass the time. To divert that useless frustration into something more enjoyable will even make me more useful when I finally get to where I need to be.
When all the Christmas plans rearrange my typical routine, I can have fun at the parties and forgo one of my workouts. And I can do it by engaging with loved ones and detaching from worries.
When difficult relationships are part of the holiday plans, I can think of creative ways to interact (board games, shopping, baking cookies), instead of making the gathering an isolating or dreadful experience because of focusing on problems.
When the baby won’t come on his due date, my sister can plan a date with her husband or go to lunch with her friends, instead of sulking at home in an uncomfortable gigantic body.
When my baby gets sick on my newest nephew’s arrival into the world, I can FaceTime my sister and her newborn, engage with them in such a golden age of technological connection, instead of potentially getting precious people sick by going in person or isolating myself in narcissistic complaints.
Recap: Pain x Resistance = Suffering
And I am even gonna be wild and make my own formula for what I just said about finding ways to support the people and circumstances.
Pain x Support = JOY
How can I not only accept undesirable circumstances but also find a way to invest creativity and bonding energy to make the best of any situation?
It’s 3 a.m. My 9-month-old has salmonella poisoning. [Despair emoji.] He woke more than an hour ago with a 103-degree fever and more bloody poop (which has come by the hour for the past two days—his poor body). I thought about going out to catch up on chores while he went back to sleep beside my husband. But, no! Not to mention how that would exhaust me for whatever tomorrow holds, but it also wouldn’t be as supportive to his recovery as holding my sweet baby while his fever-reducer takes effect and the breastfeeding hydrates his pitiful little system with nourishing nutrients. And I can even work toward my writing goal at the same time. However, when he starts fussing because of his discomfort, I put the writing down and rub his skin... not only does the lesser importance of concentration and hitting the correct keys become interrupted by flailing sweet arms when that happens, but he also needs the physically reassuring touches and phrases to calm him down. His pain (and mine) can become even more draining if I whine that we’re awake (more than usual), or we can have some pleasant bonding as we move through this circumstance at the pace dictated by the bacteria I cannot control (even though I am trying to figure out how to go back in time through worry and prevent the several theories I have for how he caught this bug. [Sad face.]) I am honored to care for him and try to ease his suffering. I am so much better at sleep deprivation than I was 7 years ago with my first son. (So don’t get down on yourself if you read that and hated me. It’s a daily (or nightly) process, not a snap of fingers.) Mutually supportive decisions can be determined in each moment for unique people and changing situations.
Hopefully some of this makes sense from my wacky brain at this hour. Hahaha!
Make lemonade out of lemons.
Make a dance party out of traffic jams.
Make a FaceTime party out of not getting to visit with loved ones because of illness.
Make cuddles out of interrupted sleep and uncomfortable bodies.
Some of you are experiencing big pain. Maybe you need rest instead of the next step; prayer instead of answers; reaching out instead of decisions; saying no instead of another good deed.
Be blessed, dear ones.
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