Before this post begins, take a deep breath. In through your nose, out of your mouth. Feel the rhythms that make up your engine — pumping blood, flowing breath, churning thoughts...
This isn’t at all about what you look like, what size or shape you are, what the scale will tell you. It’s not about getting a healthy report at your next checkup. Some of the things I share may affect those measurements. But what I share is not about those things. Because you are not about them. Those are equipment to aid your fullness and freedom as God’s children in this broken, limited, but-somehow-still-growing-world. Each person has different abilities, sensitivities, injuries... purposes. But we can all learn to value who we are and learn to wield our tools effectively by finding traction in our present situations.
It won’t be a quick fix or an immediate revelation. Learning to nurture goodness, and not only deflect lies but also powerfully speak against them, is an endless journey through progress, not an arrival at perfection, ease, or untouchable security.
Those who know me well are familiar with my eating/exercise struggles since I was a teenager. Hearing women consistently despise their figures, long for tasty-but-no-calorie-food, and feel inadequate to physical feats, has wreaked havoc in my neurotic mind for most of my life. The criticisms and cynicism are the very strong weakest links in my thoughts. The sensitivities to body image and unhealthy, untrue cognitive distortions about food and exercise have put me through a years-long intensive course on striving to feed and activate my body wholly, instead of erratically, to seek self-harmony, not self-hostility. I would never choose to go through it, but I thank God for the power He weaves into my weakness because He can empower myself and others from here.
The physical harm and mental brutality have grown old. I won’t bow to the self-violence, image idolization or discontent anymore. I suppose that part of me will always be pushing against my boundaries as thorns in my flesh. Some days will be weaker than others. However, I am learning so much about treating myself kindly because of how many times I’ve had to recover after bullying myself to a pulp. I want to build up the beautiful women who also need to shut down that lying, distracting internal bully that feeds voraciously off our cultural tendencies. Those who don’t understand this struggle (praise the Lord) probably think this is trivial; but those of us who have been locked in our head with these burning shackles of shame know how foundational this freedom could be to all our days and relationships.
Learn to pinpoint lies in commercials, magazines, shows, in oblivious-to-the-problem-maybe-even-well-meaning-women sitting across from you at the restaurant or posting selfies on their social media accounts. The amount of lies coming at you will overwhelm you: “You’re not pretty enough, healthy enough, young enough. Only certain people get to look like THAT, and the rest of you are worthless and flawed imitations. Be corrupted by the shame of your hunger, of your needs, and your reality. Your experience doesn’t matter because no one wants to look at you or acclaim you. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, you’re useless.”
When you pinpoint the lies — anything that steals joy or bravery or tells you that there is only one correct body form — call them out and speak against them: “God not only knows how many hairs are on my head, but He picked their color, and He chose every cell in my body. I may look forward to my imperishable Heavenly body, but He knows , understands, and revives the spirit in this one daily. I am worthy of fueling my body, even of enjoying it, because God made me to receive and give love, which requires not only energy but nourishment. God made my taste buds, and my metabolism. I am a capable and responsible person, who can live a full life. I CAN break barriers. I am so much more than how I feel or look or what I do. I am so much more than what I assume people assume of me — because I have this one-on-one internal relationship with the Sovereign Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, Who knows me and understands me better than I can myself.”
Even as I write this, chains of guilt and shame are clanging on the door of my mind. We live in such an abundant culture. People indulge irresponsibly. People abuse their resources and their time. I do sometimes. Some people are broken beyond repair or ability. But instead of hiding from the opportunities or dwelling on the problems like a person who buries her one talent, I am learning to make the best of this golden age and the opportunities it affords to become the strongest, healthiest version of myself. The more whole I am, the more fruit for sharing in God’s work can grow.
I’ve deprived myself. I’ve over-exercised my body to the point I lost my period. I’ve avoided exercise because I feared the time that I used it injuriously, and I ate food that made me feel slow and icky because it was “comfortable.” I’ve been all over the board, and in the past few years I’ve gained a healthier relationship with eating and exercise as tools for building my Jesus-serving wife-/mommy-/friend-/family-/neighbor-/church-vessel.
Instead of looking at food as a shameful reward or a satisfying punishment, I recognize it as pleasant medicine made by the Designer for my soul’s engine to run cleaner and stronger. I eat as many of His nutrient-purposeful foods on a daily basis as possible because they clear my mind, strengthen my body, and empower my self-management. I enjoy treats when the occasion calls for it. I see it as a lifestyle for my life’s strength, not a gimmicky diet fad for my body’s pants size.
Instead of seeing exercise as a regulator of my body’s image, a compulsive reaction to my eating habits, I enjoy it for testing my strength, enjoying recreation, and instilling health for future opportunities. Most importantly, the way my brain chemistry and other systems coordinate, it relieves anxiety. It helps me be ready for activities I enjoy personally or with my kids. I also get to connect with people who have the same interests. And connections are where Jesus works His power. Subconsciously, maybe we think anything “non-churchy” is useless. Uh, no. Our interests and hobbies, same as our duties, are where the Spirit fills our sails in relationships and opportunities for God’s glory.
This morning I read Philippians 4:11-13 about contentment, and because of my all-or-nothing thoughts with food and exercise, I said it a little differently to myself for this post’s encouragement:
“Not that I speak of needing to attain a certain fitness, for I *am learning* that the secret to valuing my body as a vessel, no matter its abilities or appearance, is to meditate on and self-remind that God sees me as His beautiful daughter and gives me the tools I need for fullness of life in the particular season in which I am. For I know what it’s like to feel free and beautiful, and I know what it’s like to feel bound and disgusting. In any and every season, I am learning how to invest in the strength of my soul when I am fit, and I am learning how to trust in God’s love for me when I feel worthless. I can focus on Jesus’s supreme strength, whether I have my own or not.”
As you gear up for a celebratory season of treats, remember God made us to tend everyday responsibilities *and* enjoy special occasions. Be kind to yourself. Learn new ways through shifting perspectives. You can enjoy without over-indulging. You can indulge without abusing. And then when January comes around (or even better, as soon as you’re ready), and you have an outcome in your head of how you hope to look by summer, be reasonable and realistic with your expectations. Maybe don’t even have tangible visions, but simply heart goals — about feeding, working and resting your body in ways that feel clean, strong, and kind. Take steps to work with what you’ve got in sustainable, adjustable increments. Try new things you’ve been afraid of, like training for a race or planning a vacation full of hiking with your family or... vegetables.
Be kind to yourself along the journey of progress, and stop looking at “Arrival” — it’s not a real place in this world, just a photoshopped expectation.
Be blessed, dear ones.
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