Learning how to Feast on the Fruits of the Spirit, not Control Them

“Fruitfulness” was my unofficial word for 2017. Words meld with my soul to help me through internal tedious reflections and significant moments. I am thankful God uses them so creatively to guide me, even when my misconceptions point me in wrong directions. When last year ended, I was in a deep depression on top of chronic anxiety, pregnant with our third child and scared of my weaknesses through stress, feeling incredibly guilty I felt so empty when God had given me so much. I was obsessed (a term not used lightly) with my misunderstanding of the Spirit’s fruit inside my soul. I wanted to control that fruit, and I loathed myself for failing at it. The way I was looking at it, because of my interpretations of many sermons about Galatians 5:22-23, I thought incorrectly (and absurdly) that my control of God’s fruit (Hah!) was the equivalent of little old Nicoll walking up to a new apple tree to make it instantly mature and full of pie-making fruit with a snap of my wishful fingers. Just like that.

I am the tree in that metaphor, and 

Love

Joy

Peace

Patience

Kindness

Goodness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Self Control

are the pieces of the magical Spirit fruit salad. I thought it was supposed to be simple as picking fruit up at the store (reading God’s list of fruits and acknowledging the goodness, desiring it) and ... voila! Good Nicoll, always and forever. BUT THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS!

Learning more about psychology through many personal counselors has also revealed my cognitive distortion about the nature of my feelings (which are usually not as pretty as those things listed above...) I thought my feelings were the essence of my soul. And since my feelings weren’t always good, I assumed I was a bad fruit, a useless and rotten waste. Nope. Nope nope nope. NOPE! Feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are connected *but separate* parts of us that help us progress out of ourselves into the world around us: 

Feelings can’t be controlled because they’re just responses to the world around me. They yield useful information about how we adjust to everything, so they shouldn’t be ignored. I touch fire, it hurts, and I don’t like it, so I won’t do that again. That’s natural. Someone disrespects my boundaries or gets too close, and I don’t like one doing that. Natural preservation instincts aren’t indicators of an evil heart. It doesn’t mean I am a horrible waste of Jesus’s sacrifice. (Drama intended to reveal absurdity.) But I also don’t have to avoid fire or imposing people just because the first encounter was marred by inexperience. I get to progress by changing my interaction with the world around me as I learn what works and what doesn’t work. My first thought may be out of my control, but the ones afterward can be chosen for focus and edification, instead of isolation and bitterness (through tedious and continuous intention); and behaviors can be chosen through courageous discipline for the well-being of myself and others in God’s will.

A message I want to repeat for effect is that none of this is an instant answer for arrival at a concrete script for perfect interaction. As long as I have breath in my body, unveiling my feelings about new experiences and relationships, and then sifting through my wounds and motivations so I can work to build up Christ’s Kingdom in my heart for blessing those I love for God’s glory, will be my purposeful journey of lifelong learning.

Because I was obsessed with something as significant as God’s fruits in my character and life, I took it (way too) seriously. I look(ed) at it all wrong, and it was magnifying my self-loathing and doubt in God’s power. So poisonous.

Big news: It’s NOT my fruit. 

I am not creating the fruit.

The outcome of the fruit is not mine.

The fruit is the Spirit’s.

What is my role in this fruit that I desperately desire? The metaphor of gardening helps me through this soul nourishment. No matter how well I garden, the creation of the seeds is never in my control, and the weather that affects the harvest is also beyond me. The way I engage with the Spirit in this process as He produces fruit is what affects me. He is inviting me to help Him prepare a feast that I get to enjoy with Him, not expecting me to achieve master gardening on my first (or millionth) attempt for superfluous reasons. The productivity matters, but it’s not the point. And it’s not *my* achievement.  Getting to know Him as He gets to know me, while we work together is where His creative power meets my character.

• Collecting — Before I plant a garden, I collect seeds I want to grow. Where do I find the Spirit’s seeds? Soul seeds are biblical knowledge (inspired by (drumroll, please) the Spirit of God), collected through personal study of His Word and the cultural and historical perspectives of those times combined with our perspectives now, communal study, writings of thought leaders, and personal observation and meditation of lives and choices in my story. One of the best things a minister ever told me is that we can never know everything the Bible has to teach us, even if we have the whole Book memorized... because it’s alive and active with human history, always revealing new truths about God’s love and our need to abide in Him as we progress throughout this world. 

• Cultivating — This phase is where we prepare healthy soil, tediously weed annoying and destructive plants that choke the fruit, and give water and nutrients as needed to the growing. This is where personal honesty and getting to know myself are significant. What builds me up? What tears me down? What personal boundaries do I need to become a healthy and productive vessel for Christ’s expression? Why do I keep losing my temper, feeling discouraged, making the same poor choice in similar situations? What can I change? My physical health? My mental/emotional health? What do I need to fight for? What do I need to surrender? This part of my work in the Spirit requires the most daily reflection and application of trial and error. This is where hard work and patience with repetitive tasks are significant... just like those pesky weeds that pop up in the same place they were picked from yesterday. And the most important thing to remember here is that God is okay if we aren’t perfect gardeners. He understands we needs seasons and years to apply the things we slowly learn. He just wants us to spend time in the garden, engaging with Him as we work. 

• Waiting — Sigh. Nothing grows overnight (except weeds). Don’t give up when it seems nothing is happening, just like mighty and barren trees in the winter (that will pass), for you will reap a harvest when spring and summer arrive. (Galatians 6:9)

• Harvesting/Consuming — This is my favorite part of my role in the Spirit’s fruit. Eating it! I feel like self control is the umbrella over all the other fruits for me. Sometimes I need to make better choices in my attitude, and sometimes I need to discipline myself to accept peace and love when my pride would rather storm through not-my-business-to-remove obstacles and prove heroic. This is where I choose patience when my kids take forever getting out the door (again. and again. and again.); it takes *daily repetition* of learning that yelling doesn’t help and it feels awful afterward. This is where I choose joy and make the most of a bad situation I would rather not experience; to get close enough to know others and find the appropriate humor or sorrow or comfort in a place that is sad and tense. This is where I go to a quiet place and find peace when I am overwhelmed and know my only responses will be emotionally irrational behaviors; taking a breather is better than storming through the house griping at everyone. The Spirit puts all these delicious fruits for our taking... and, like some real food that is healthier than others, it may take some getting used to and making mistakes to understand that broccoli (which I actually love now) is going to make me stronger and cleaner than a Sonic blast with M&Ms and Oreos... If I just lost you, this metaphor is for our spiritual well-being, not physical (although I believe the two can aid each other). That was just a metaphor for how patience may be hard to swallow, but in time I have come to realize it makes the Kingdom more pleasant than losing patience about a fleeting moment of lateness (again). 

• Preserving — In this world of seasons, natural times happen when fruit isn’t going to grow because the climate oppresses nourishment and blossoming. The same thing happens to us with changing circumstances. I am learning how to build up strength in times of harvest to carry me through times of winter. This is where my delusions of Spiritual fruit control prove to die hard. I think the Spirit stores good things away in our spirits as we engage with Him through all the times, good and bad, and He pulls the right memories/words/people/situations out of the pantry when we need them most. I can write things down to remember, or keep songs in my head that affect my heart... but I don’t have a lot of answers other than learning to listen for Him in a relaxedly acute way (especially when I call for rescue in desperate winter winds). 2 Cor 4:16-18

• Sharing — Which fruits to share? When people are in my presence, I hope they’ll leave stronger and braver and kinder than before. And that’s how I hope to be after spending time with others. This part requires a lot of practice and forgiveness. Working on self-awareness and analyzing how people may have perceived something I said or did requires a healthy balance of accepting responsibility for how I affect people and surrendering that I can’t control how people feel in their own insecurities. But I can always try to be an empowering and positive presence, instead of a negative or damaging one. Finding ways to be useful and helpful, comforting or encouraging, also requires balancing the sacrifice of selfishness and the wisdom of self-care to build each other up in a God-glorifying way. 

God has invited everyone to a wedding feast, and we, His children, get to help Him prepare the party and bring in the guests. We are very welcomed and cherished children, as we are members of His glorious household. (Ephesians 2:19; Revelation 19:6-9) Looking at the fruits as the product of His creation, as we work together on the celebration, helps me work (and play) more fruitfully. Because I can’t create fruits. And I know I’ll burn my treads trying.