Happy is not the only feeling

"H is for happy / I like this feeling best." One of my son's alphabet books describes emotions and has the facial expressions of several chubby-cheeked babies to make it twenty-six times cuter. Happy is a good feeling. One we all chase daily.

But it is not the only feeling. And it is not right for all times.

At the end of this day, I cannot sleep because my soul feels icky. A beloved actor ended his own life today, and everyone is trying to fix everyone else who may try to do the same. ISIS is still doing unspeakable horrors to the Christian families in Iraq. And the millions of other atrocities that are hurting people, precious individuals, in all the places between make me also want to apply ointment to the wound of humanity.

I am sitting in my cozy home. Safe. Loved. Confused.

I am thinking about emotions and their broad spectrum. Because life is a broad spectrum, and in my little place on the planet, in this space and time, I am experiencing a teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeny-tiny piece of it directly and reading about a massive load of it on the screen in front of my face. And I am not even aware of an even more massive load of it all.

Whoa. How to process it all?

This morning at breakfast, I dedicated our morning Bible time to a(n attempted) lesson in emotional intelligence for our 3-year-old. Even when he is crying and has a red face over an upset, he will insist he is happy, not sad or angry. My husband and I have done our best to assure him, in words and responses since birth, that any feelings, even the icky ones, are acceptable and good in their own rite. But yet he insists he is happy, not sad or angry. Ever.

So this morning I got out the chart of smiley and not-so-smiley faces that my counselor gave me to help pinpoint emotions.

Happy. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Disappointed. Calm. Excited. Anxious.

And then I got out Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

One of the things we constantly remind our son, multiple times daily, is that there is a right time for things and a "not right" (I find it difficult even to say "wrong") time for things. Because to him all time should be the right time for play time and only play time. Ah, to be 3 again, and to have no clue that without eating or sleeping playing would be impossible. :)

"There is a time for everything.

Born. Die.

Plant. Pluck up.

Kill. Heal.

Break down. Build Up.

Weep. Laugh.

Mourn. Dance.

Cast away. Gather.

Embrace. Refrain from embracing.

Seek. Lose.

Keep. Cast away.

Tear. Sew.

Keep silence. Speak.

Love. Hate.

War. Peace."

I thought the Ecclesiastes passage would be a good example of all the different emotions and experiences humans have. Because, like it or not, we have good AND bad experiences. Joy AND suffering. I admit, I skipped over "kill" and "hate" and "war" because I am uncomfortable with them (And I am not sure how to talk with a 3yo about them). But the Christians in Iraq at this time are facing those awful things at this time, like it or not. I despise it.

Pretending only the good emotions or the good experiences exist -- or worse, that only the good ones count -- isolates and paralyzes each of us when we need to connect most, during those vulnerable times.

Pushing aside those icky feelings, like sadness and anger and disappointment, leads to more sadness and anger and disappointment than one person can handle alone, which becomes expressed in addictions and homicides and suicides. It leads to hate. Hate of self. Hate of life.

So. As much as I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever want my children to suffer, I cannot pretend that they will not. If I do, then they will be stranded in a prison of self loathing and not be able to find the way out.

Negative/dark emotions are not bad. They are not a selfish illusion. They are real, and they can be felt and expressed in a healthy way. But they have to be felt. They can be numbed for a time by jokes or drinks or foods or medications, but then they just fester and grow and eat away at every part of a person. They have to be felt to be healed.

We are all called to serve each other. Each of us is responsible for how we handle our own reactions to our feelings, and I dislike the way some abuse their feelings -- like a tyrant over everyone around them. But we can help and encourage each other, even if we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves.

Let's help each other by validating the icky things that happen and not rushing them out of existence. Let's do that by not belittling or judging things that we don't and can't understand.

Belittling the experiences of others because they aren't "as bad" as someone else's is an ignorant way to tear wounds on hearts of people who want healing. We each have our own perspectives, separated and incomparable to anyone else's.

Let's allow each other to be weak, so we can help each other become stronger. And we can only help each other be stronger by letting people admit their weaknesses AND celebrate their strengths.

I think the Devil has won many battles by convincing Christians that selflessness equals self-hate or self-neglect.

• It is not wrong to talk about yourself and your struggles or strengths or interests. 
• It is good to do things you like. 
• It is good to seek respect and love from people around you. That's what you want for others, right? You can want all these things for yourself. You are just as precious to God as the others he wants you to love.

Distorted love. Perverted love. The Devil has also won many battles by convincing many that love equals feeling good. A toddler thinks playing and candy feel good. How long will he survive in a world with only candy and playing? Hmm...?

"Be strong and courageous and do not be afraid."

Love is tough. Life is tough. We each have to find strength to deal with ourselves, as well as the courage to encourage each other. I am the worst at avoiding difficult conversations with people I barely know. But when life gets tough, conversations have to go deeper than clothes and weather and what I did last weekend. In fact, I guess we can't get past "barely know" if we aren't brave enough to broach the negative sides of a "time for everything." If feelings can be good and icky, then perhaps we need to allow some of our conversations to reach uncomfortable levels so we can help each other. And in a world with no time for it all, when will we find the right time for these conversations?

Jesus, come quickly.

And, until you do, please help me not to check out of challenging or difficult emotions or situations while I wait for total healing for all of us.

Love Your Neighbor (As You Love Your Children)

"But blessed are your eyes, for they see, and your ears, for they hear. For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it." -- Matthew 13:16 & 17

Every time we go to the grocery store, I wish I'd brought my 3-year-old's Lightning McQueen sunglasses and my baby's sunhat, because stepping out into the bright sunshine after shopping inside a huge building for an hour, their little eyes are shocked from the transition from dim to bright.

Crossing the bridge from childhood into adulthood, and then another into parenthood, has been like stepping out of a dimly lit building into the brightness of a hot afternoon sun for me. As a child, it was easy to see the world in black and white, right and wrong, good and evil, because I knew I was utterly dependent upon my parents for survival. I needed to be fed and clothed and cleaned. I needed to follow. I needed to be guided. I needed to be disciplined. I needed to be encouraged. 

And then I stepped into the big, bright world, where everyone else was equally as blinded by the Truth to which we are still adapting, based on our individual histories and perspectives. As we search for the correct sunglasses to help us see or cover our brows with hands to shade our eyes, we are learning to care for ourselves and get along with others -- and sometimes we're just annoyed that our vision is irritated by the adjustment process.

Stories of people mistreating each other are not difficult to find. At first, it is easy to scoff and judge and wonder how someone could be so small-minded and selfish... but we each have our limited perspectives. I have my limited perspective. My prayer over the past few months has been for God to open my eyes, my ears, my heart to how he sees people so that I never become blinded by hate or superiority and miss HIS glory. 

Parenthood has helped my heart muscle find places I didn't know existed before. They ache. But it's the good pain, the kind that indicates growth. The food court in our mall is a place where I have stood still in lines many times (either at Panda Express or the merry-go-'round). Fortunately, we live in an ethnically diverse city, so while I am waiting I become overwhelmed by God's creativity. The rainbow of colors, the puzzle-board of shapes, the storybooks of hearts are all passing by, and I try to appreciate the individuality of each, and I am brought to tears right there in that public space for the love I feel for each different person as he or she is a child of God. 

I say this as one at the beginning of a journey, as one who just took her first step into the sunlight outside the store: I am beginning to see my children's faces on all the people I meet, feel their hearts inside all of those beings. I do not have this even close to figured out, but I am beginning to see as I love my children with a genuine, deep love how I am called to love others. I want my babies to be loved, to be fulfilled and guided and shaped into the individuals God created them to be. I want that for every person. Sure, I have heard all of my life how I am supposed to love others, but the ways to do it have been shadowed by ignorance, selfishness, laziness, fear... still are-- but lessening in light of Jesus Christ's glory.

People who have not been around children often are interesting to observe when put in a "babysitting" position. Many have disdain for all.of.the.energy and little understanding of how patience and creativity are necessary to each child's nature for effective discipline. If only it were as easy as tuning out the irritation and inconveniences, if only it were as easy as snapping one's fingers to control an attitude or behavior, if only it were as easy as every child reacting the same way to the same things...

The easy way is rarely the best way.

Children require relationships and connections to thrive. Getting to know them, moment by moment, day in and day out...

learning what touches their hearts in which ways, 

supporting them as their hearts grow in courage as they discover their weaknesses and strengths,

teaching them with every possible example through words and actions, 

remembering to see the world through their young eyes as we look into their eyes as often as possible...

Man, it is a high calling--an active, ever-living-and-learning-and-evolving calling. One that does not give up.

Adults are more complicated, but we are the same as children. We each have our different likes and dislikes, wounds and scars, disappointments and hopes. I am learning to remember this as I interact with y'all. Sometimes it is harder when I am annoyed or appalled. But YOU are each as precious as the chubby-cheeked, innocent babies I find it easy to love. 

"Love your neighbor as yourself." I am not changing the command from Lord Jesus with the title of this post. I just want to help us find the meaning of it in this world of distorted love. 

What is love? Do you love yourself? Do you even know yourself? What do you like? What are your strengths? Your weaknesses? What healing do you need? What is your biggest dream (what you want to be when you "grow up")?

How can you love others if you don't even know yourself? How can you love others if you don't take the time to appreciate where they come from and where they are headed? How can you have anything to give others if you don't take care of yourself? Love is not a pain killer. Love is not a self-hater. Love is not a controller. Love does not give up!

Love is a journey. We're all walking at some point along its path. 

1 Corinthians 13 defines love beautifully. Read it with fresh eyes. Act it with a cleansed heart. 

Love is patient.
Love is kind
Love does not envy.
Love does not boast. (Even if it has a good reason.)
It is not arrogant.
It is not rude.
Love does not insist on its own way.
It is not irritable.
It is not resentful.
Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing.
Love rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
Love never ends.

Most of us say we would die to save those we love. Which is good. Jesus said so and did so. But the challenge for building those sacrificial muscles is in the everyday sacrifices we make as we lay down our lives while we're living with those we love. 

When we stop everything to play pretend with our child, instead of browsing Facebook or texting people who aren't even in the room...
When we help our spouse with a chore, without grumbling...
When we get that sleep we need (if just for a night), instead of staying up late to eat cheeseballs and watch comedies...
When we stop to have an eye-to-eye conversation with someone we love, instead of getting our chores done...
When we choose to redirect envious thoughts into complimentary ones...
When we calm our irritated spirits before reacting with angry words or actions...
When we stop our negative thoughts and say encouraging words to one another...
When we stop our reactionary opinions (based on prejudices and limited perspectives) and instead find a way to serve someone different than we are, no matter how repulsive...

When we want to rant against our enemies, even when we have good reason, and instead we calm our spirits and seek God's answer and God's glory in the devastation of evil... and pray and wait.

So many little ways to let love overcome hate in our everyday moments exist. Let's find them.

 "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." -- 1 Corinthians 13:11 & 12

My Ode to Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding our second son for a Mother's Day portrait.
Beautiful photo by Dolly Stang of twelve16 Photography. 

I should add the disclaimer that this is more of a straightforward declaration than an ode. Too sleepy to ode. Haha!

Breastfeeding is good.

This post is just a personal praise to God for the glory of breastfeeding, and since this is the beginning of World Breastfeeding Week 2014, I felt this was more down my alley than a public latch-on event to educate/inform/encourage. I am a big fan of breastfeeding, one of the most challenging AND rewarding aspects of mothering to this point in my journey. This is a small part of MY perspective and experience, without placing judgment or expectations on anyone else. Breastfeeding is super-cool; communicating about it is a way I can connect with others -- like-minded, curious, or not.

We each have our "thing(s)", and breastfeeding is one of mine. Our first son will be 4 in October. I breastfed him until he was 34+ months old, until he was ready to stop, and I was 7 months pregnant. Our younger son is almost 8 months old, and we are enjoying the same bond. Unless circumstances out of my control prevent it, I adhere to the World Health Organization's recommendation of breastfeeding a child until at least two years of age. After that, I believe the breastfeeding relationship should continue as long as it is mutually desirable to mother and child, with sensitivity to the child's transitional abilities. I am convinced of the brain development benefits, lifelong health benefits, as well as the (very important) emotional ones.

Thanks to my mom for breastfeeding me. :)

Breastfeeding success is owed in large part to my husband, who supports my sometimes-sleepless and always-neurotic self with great affection and constant encouragement. Thank you, my love, for helping me do my thing and bless our babies in mind, body, and spirit.

Breastfeeding helps my body heal from pregnancy and birth; and since my maternal grandmother passed from breast cancer long before I was born, I also appreciate the research that shows breastfeeding reduces my risks of having breast cancer.

Here are some cool facts about breastfeeding, based on research. This came from the World Breastfeeding Week's website. I think educating women in poverty statuses, as well as offering emotional support, could improve a lot of health conditions that people feel are out of their control. When my babies are grown and more independent, I hope to be more helpful in this area. And I have had so much extra milk with both boys (thankfully, friends have used it to feed their babies during medical issues), I entertain the idea of nurturing orphans. Lord-willing, one day. In some way. 

Thank you, God, for making my female body to feed my babies. I am amazed by You.