Confessions of an Introverted Mommy Who Wants to Do All.the.things

Many of you know our family well, and others of you keep up with us on social media, so you know that this fall was unusual for our family. I, a woman who feels called to stay home with my kids, who plans to homeschool them, who has thrived on the quiet stillness of home, got a new and temporary opportunity: I was the maternity sub for my friend for the two months leading up to Christmas break. I taught ninety-five high school students every Monday through Friday. I had such a great time with the material, students, and other teachers. God gave me a perspective I desperately needed, but I am still adjusting. I feel like I am too sensitive to things because no one else seems as affected by their surroundings and experiences as I feel I am. Are y'all just better at poker faces? Things have been wacky for my husband and our two boys and me because our normal looks nothing like two parents working full-time and having other events to fill all the waking hours between clocking out and bed time. No time for recovering as individuals or people with relationships drained us.

I was supposed to sew on this karate patch five months ago. I just started it last night. My son told me his instructor was mad at me (5yo interpretation, not wholly true) because I hadn't done it yet. I had this patch a good two months before I started teaching. So much to do -- a lot gets lost in the wayside. "Out of sight; out of mind." And I hate myself for it!
This is just one example of my struggling.

That season ended two weeks ago, and of course the past two weeks have been filled with crazy holiday excitement, so the processing and recovery of that time has been challenging. I really enjoyed teaching poetry to kids who don't ask the same questions 543672727 times an hour and don't need help in the potty. I enjoyed actually being able to complete tasks without being interrupted for pottying or another repetitive question. But I miss all the quiet, still connections with my family. I miss hearing the funny things they say in the midst of all their curiosity. I miss watching their "Aha!" moments. I miss getting to love on them with physical affection, as well as emotional. I was too tired for anything but survival. As an introvert, my battery goes dry around people, even though I like y'all, even though I want to be connected and friendly in every way... so for two months my wonderful husband and our two boys have been getting nothing but my fumes, and my fumes have no substance for giving or receiving.

Honestly, I have been really mean to myself; and if Mommy is mean to herself--yep, everyone else is getting snapped at too. Women who work full-time outside of their homes CAN do a wonderful job in their homes AND with their families. I see the fruit of their skills and abilities. But I am struggling; I always have struggled, even with no full-time job. Why is it so hard for me? I want to have all the opportunities AND friendships AND not lose anything important in all the hullabaloo. I want people to know we aren't wealthy, and I am not spending my days eating chocolate on the couch while my kids play in the other room. Why do I care so much what other people think? When will this idol finally be destroyed?

I am learning that this parenting thing is not about either-or-- as in you are either a working mom or a stay-at-home mom. Nope. Like everything in life, humans can't be reduced to black and white--within ourselves or as we compare to others. There are as many options and callings for ways of life as there are individual personalities with meanings and histories and destinies. And we can all learn new habits and find new paths along the way. Some of us thrive when we're busy and surrounded by others, and others of us need our space.

But anchors are nice -- the people, relationships, and beliefs that ground us when all the possible paths in the whole wide world become a mass of tangled frustrations. When we want what others have it can be nice to come back to the center, to give thanks for the path God has given me, even if others don't get it.

After 30 years of getting to know myself, I know that I require that stillness and quietness to process my interaction with life. I also know that I desperately desire to be connected to others, but my awkwardness and insecurities interrupt a lot of conversations and postpone many play dates, literally and figuratively speaking. When I closed the door to my friend's high school classroom at the end of my two months, I cried. My heart was in two places, and I was filled with emotions because of all.the.others'.hearts --
my kids'
my husband's
the students'
other introverted mommies'
mommies' who pull off mommying AND careers like bosses
the people in poverty all over the world
the people who haven't decided to follow Jesus
the people who are so mad at God they pretend He isn't there...

What a full, colorful, complicated world! Do you feel like your filling your place? Like you're in the correct place? Like you can be okay in that place even if others judge you? Can you be okay in that place even when God is silent about it until the right time for speaking? All.the.hearts.

I am so tired.

I know that I want to be in my home with my family because of my history and my thought processes and hopes for the future. My husband and I have prayed and discussed it for years. But the burden of my affect on my children's hearts and minds and spirits sometimes seems heavier than if I had to actually carry ninety-five high school students across a football field all at once. I want to homeschool them because I want them to have the time and space to soak up their abilities and desires. I want to get to know them as they change daily into the men God has planned for their shaped puzzle piece. But what if I mess everything up, and it's all my fault they don't become who they're meant to be? What if it's because I homeschool them? Or what if it's because I don't? What if their hearts are messed up because I like running, and I spend time excelling in that? What if their hearts are messed up because I don't run because I am afraid to be selfish so I become bitter and resentful?

 I believe freedom in Christ spares me from the tedious worries I feel, but sometimes the feelings outweigh the faith. And right now I feel so tired that I can't tackle all the fears.

Jonny Diaz has a new song on the radio, called "Breathe." The line that jumped out at me says, "Lay down what's good to find what's best. Just breathe." So what's best? I know, ultimately, that whichever path we are on, we can seek Jesus, and He promises we'll find Him. But sometimes I just wish He'd give me a neon sign so I could stop wasting so much time wondering if I am on the right track. My heart is here AND there, and it has to find Jesus in the right place. And I have to relax and realize the right place isn't as tiny and specific as I feel it is.

Counting MY blessings, instead of others', and using self-control to stop the comparisons will help me. Now I just need the energy and creativity to pull off this mental work, for my heart's sake.