Anti-apathy: Make Them Thirsty

Hearts clouded with apathy cause me pain -- especially when they're full of potential and passion behind all the smog. I pray for the humility of reality to break through the fog and shock them to life.

Numbness bothers me for the same reason. I pray strength for hearts that are afraid to feel.

Communicating with apathetic or numb hearts is so challenging. I want to influence and inspire people, to sensitize them. God has given us so many meaningful experiences to make us wealthy with eternal, unseen characteristics. But how do I reach walled-up hearts?

I want them to know how loved they are.

I want them to accept grace.

I want them to find joy.

To find peace.

I hope they'll seek.

I hope they'll ask.

I hope they'll knock.

But they don't know they've lost anything.

They aren't aware of the question.

They don't even see a house, much less a door.

One of my prayers lately has been for God to help me communicate effectively to people in my path who are apathetic. I want to jolt their awareness and appreciation of God's goodness versus this world's, and the church's, illness. I don't want to push them away, though. I am so afraid of being too personal or too guarded; I want to be genuine. Wisdom, Father-God, please give me wisdom.

Please let your abundant Spirit inside me,  boiling with compassion for everyone to have this joy through Your love, splash on thirsty hearts with withered seeds of hope. I was withered, and You breathed life into me, numerous times. What is the balance between my expression of YOUR goodness? Obviously, I have responsibility to share You... but You do the growing.

My Bible study from Colossians pointed me a little closer to finding a solution. I know I am the salt of the earth. Jesus told me that in Matthew 5:13. I just thought that meant I keep purpose in the earth, the potential to spread God's love, by my faith--along with all my siblings in Christ.

But I got a new perspective today about my saltiness, one I want to share. This is from SheReadsTruth.com, regarding Colossians 4:6 ("Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.") from the Day 11 study by Kaitlin Wernet:

"Salt causes thirst. God’s Word doesn’t need our PR efforts. Its mere mention causes sin to salivate for grace. Our job is not to concoct our own savory presentation of the gospel; every ingredient was chosen to feed our own innate hunger. Instead, our task is to speak words from our personal thirst, pointing to the source of Living Water (John 7:37-39)."

So, Father-God, please give me gracious speech (or silence, when best) about all the freedom You've given me. Without You, I'd be little more than a bitter, lustful woman, lost in my fears and insecurities. Thank You for telling me my potential through Your possibilities, instead of shaming me by evil's limitations. Take me, use me as Your vessel. Shake me so Your Spirit can sprinkle all over the blandness. In Jesus, I thank you!

My First Half Marathon: Overcame All.The.Nerves (and Hills)

The soreness I woke with this morning was a happy trophy of reality after the surreal and wonderful experience of my first half marathon yesterday morning. I was the 9th human out of 115 competitors to cross the finish line; I was the 2nd female. My officially recorded time was 01:45:15.

Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I ran the Land Between the Lakes course in Grand Rivers, KY. It was called Run LBL Half and Full Marathon. The town was adorably charming and beautiful, set in hills beside the shining waters of a lake -- with the added beauty of October-colored leaves and a crisp, cool morning. I shed long sleeves despite the 43-degree morning because the sun and run kept me toasty enough. 

The course covered roads and trails over a span that totaled 1,200 feet of elevation gain. The website said 1,100, but my Runtastic said the former amount... My legs might estimate a few billion more. ;)

The starting line was by the shore of the lake, surrounded by sailboats. It was so pretty! The run was chip-timed, so the chip on my bib activated my official timer when I went through the line (and, likewise, stopped when I went through the finish line). The chip keeps things fair in a race where too many participants make it impossible to start at the same time from the same place. I like it! I got to the head of the pack with some 50ish-year-old men and three other women right away. I constantly kept checking with myself to be sure I wasn't going too hard too fast like the inexperienced and highly excited novice to racing that I am. I did not check my GPS on my phone at all during the race; I didn't want it messing with my psyche; so when I say "checking with myself," I was running by the way I felt--my breathing and muscles. Even though we started the race by going uphill the first mile (and there were so many more of those. Ha!), and I was with the lead, I could tell I was running a wise speed for all the fitness my training had built for me. I felt really strong and energetic. I wouldn't burn out, so I kept at it. I continued to get ahead of a few men and all the women and stayed there a couple miles. One woman and a few men  got ahead of me again around mile four, and I never could catch them again, but the woman was doing the full, so she was the first in her race, and I was in first place in my race (different distances, even on same course... different races, ultimately). No one passed me again... until the last tenth of a mile when one of those three women I'd passed at the beginning (but hadn't seen since the turnaround loop, when I knew where she was behind me, but didn't see her at all again) caught up to me. You guys! It was the most exciting finish! She and I sprinted down the final stretch through the finish line. She beat me by ONE SECOND! It was so exciting!!!! 

Friday, the day before the race, my butt muscle that had been bothering me all week was really angry with me, so I was very tightly wound and nervous. The race had become unpredictable for me. After the months of training and years of hoping for this event, I was going to run no matter what. But I couldn't even walk without a limp that day. I got an Icy Hot patch that worked wonders. I wore it during the race, and that muscle was silenced. I do feel it today, the day after running my race, and I am happy to report it feels even better than the day before I ran the race. I hope it heals totally because I have more racing to do soon, folks!

My amazingly supportive and helpful husband and our two little boys took the two-hour road trip with me. We stayed in the Grand Rivers Inn. It was tiny and well-priced and super-cute. It was so clean and quaint. Grand Rivers was so small that I could see the registration booth at the tourism office across the street from our room, and the starting line was a five-minute walk. Nicholas Sparks could set a novel in this place. I hear we need to visit at Christmas to see the 500,000+ lights and watch a Christmas play and eat at a special place called Patti's that requires months-in-advance reservations for special seasons. We ate there with my parents, who made the day even more special by driving up to cheer me on, as well as with some friends who met us after my race. All the cheering from my sweet little boys, wonderful husband, and proud parents made my heart fuller and warmer than it already was. And our friends coming to celebrate with us after is a deep blessing for me! I was way too excited about my win to eat much, though. All the butterflies were filling up my space.

I altered my diet three days before the race to reduce the risk of a tummy upset during the race because I usually have trouble with that. I cut out my whole grains and fiber-filled veggies (nerve-wracking for silly ol' me). I ate cinnamon raisin bagels instead of my Kashi cereal, white pasta noodles instead of whole wheat: I said no to broccoli and salad. Natural peanut butter (without horrible fake fats) and bananas are my favorite running fuel. I eat that every day for lunch all the time. I ate those with a bagel three hours before my race (saved half of the banana for an hour prior to racing). I drank my green tea. The night before I drank a Vitamin Water Zero for the added electrolytes and energy vitamins. You may not care, but I want to remember this diet because I felt strong, energetic, and I didn't have to find a tree in the woods during the whole race. And I was really happy to return to adding my fiber-filled, healthy-shmealthy foods to my banana and peanut butter today.

I have been praying that God would help me express the truly important things about this milestone for me. It really isn't about the success, but instead it is about all the transformation in my heart that God ignited years ago and continues to fuel, whether in running or parenting or friendship or failures or ministries. It isn't about winning versus losing, or speed versus sluggishness; or pain versus health--it is about His constantly available Presence through all those seasons. He is truly an anchor. He doesn't promise wins or health or riches, but he does promise abundant peace and joy through faith and hope and love. He promises that if we seek Him we will find Him. Sometimes I think myself is the most challenging person to love, and then the evil one is pleased to see me so distracted and exhausted from battling myself that I can't see God, much less seek His face, whether it is about wisdom or peace or other people. So the nerves I feel about racing became more of a spiritual fitness test than a physical or mental one because I constantly had to return to my Anchor to calm down and remember Truth. Win or lose, healthy or sick, elated or disappointed, in running or whatever, God cares, and He is with me. He is with you.

Father-God, thank You for this race. I feel so blessed and thankful and full of life. And you filled me with those good things before my race. You assured me that I already have the Victory that matters so I could relax and experience whatever You had in store. I like what You had in store. I like even more that my weak little faith muscles got a really good workout through all my anxiety turning to reality and gratitude for your Truth over the week. Whew! I am exhausted. Thank You for rest in Your Son and guidance through Spirit. In Jesus--thank You!

Prep Week: Racing and Teaching Haikus

My first half-marathon is this coming Saturday, and I could be teaching high school American literature as soon as a week from tomorrow (as the maternity substitute for my friend). This week has a lot of preparations in store: the completion of my race training (for this race, more to come *soon*, Lord-willing), as well as lesson preparation for the six-week study of American poets for the sophomores and juniors I am eager to meet.

For fun (and since I will soon ask teens to write their own poetry), I thought I would share my emotions about it all through a collection of loose haiku poems (Japanese style of poetry, using seventeen syllables in three lines --five in line one, seven in line two, five in line three). I have started really appreciating poetry in the past few years, and I have a lot to learn about it... As you'll soon read:

Much to do this week
My feelings are strong and broad
Will I be ready?

Five more days to train
Running fast this Saturday
Will I be ready?

Years of desire
Anticipation to race
Will I be ready?

Half marathon time
Chosen with purpose to do
Will I be ready?

My best, fast or slow
Moving, giving it my best
Yes, I'll be ready.

Changing gears for fall
Stay-at-home mom to teach school
Will I be ready?

To teach teenagers
High school poetry -- how strange
Will I be ready?

Lessons to prepare
American poets plus
Will I be ready?

Poetry is art
Emotions to build beauty
Will we be ready?

Students to care for
Blessings to receive and give
Will we be ready?

Yes, I will be there
Growing and learning, my pals
Yes, I'll be ready.

My own sweet darlings
Ev'ry day for five years now
Can I be ready...

Parted from them hours
Consecutive weekly days
Can I be ready...

In good hands they'll be
Fun with family and new things
They'll be ready.

I'll be home by 4
Mommy milk, cuddly learning
We'll be ready.

If ready or not
God's faithfulness carries us
He is for us all

My Limits, God's Constancy

In both homeschool and running , the past week's failure and impossibility of meeting my great, too-big, wannabe-over-achieving expectations slapped me in the face with sobering reminders of my limitations. And, graciously, God reminded me of His peaceful control and providence.

First, I started the week realizing my right foot is injured; so I went through the emotions of hoping it was just a little tired (Will it be magically healed with a couple days rest?) to despairing that rest wasn't helping (Am I gonna have to postpone my training and racing for months?!) to thanking God for putting people in my path to help me get closer to my first half marathon on October 17. As silly as it sounds to... probably everyone... this race has been the clearest thing on my bucket list for years. It is a huge deal to me!

I struggled with plantars fasciitis a decade+ ago (an overstretched/torn tendon on the bottom of my foot makes my heel hurt, and it takes a reeeeeeally long time to heal, in layman's terms). I still can't tell for sure if that is my problem now... But since my brother-in-law, who runs countless full marathons each year, has plantars fasciitis himself, he called to encourage me. Guess what?! I can run on it! If he can run full marathons, like the Boston Marathon this past April (For those who don't know, a runner has to be awesome to even be allowed to do that race. My bro-in-law did great!), then I can run too! He convinced me of ice's healing powers, so I've been icing the soreness a couple of times a day and...

rubbing Do Terra Essential Oils from my wonderful, giving mom all over that foot. She gave me a Deep Blue cream and marjoram and lemongrass. My foot smells interesting. :)

Also, my stepdad gave me a free pass a few months ago to a gym. So I got to cross-train one day this week on a stationary bicycle to help out that foot too. (And I found out the one free session I thought I had is actually three free sessions... which will help me cross-train the next two weeks before the half.

How blessed am I to receive the emotional and physical uplifting from these three people. I begged God to restore my confidence because my head was bummed out at the beginning of the week. I got two great runs in, including my long one, both at or under my goal pace of 8 minutes per mile (and that was trying to ease up for my foot's sake.

I also realized how I have gotten too big for my britches. Reality check! I won my first 5K in August under my goal time at 22:56 (at a really tiny, not-impressive-to-anyone-but-my-loved-ones event. Lol!) And I read about marathoners every week. But am I training for my umpteenth full marathon, with all that strength and fitness under my belt... yet? Have I ever even run a half marathon... yet? Nope!!! I needed to be reminded I can't train the same as some of my fav's... yet. I downloaded an official half marathon beginning plan to keep me grounded and uninjured the next two weeks. Check out CoachJenny.com for free training plans.

More than running abilities (SO.MUCH.MORE! Because it can't be taken away by evil or illness or death or even confusion) I want confidence from God's peace that in rest or action, illness or health, good or bad, God is with me. The evil one wants us to feel forgotten and worthless. I do not want to fall for this lie. I have faith God can guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Thank you, God.

As far as homeschool goes, my fear of it getting swept up in our busy lifestyle became reality this week. We did do some of it, but a lot of my planned activities got squashed out.  Little Love had the croup, so he needed extra cuddles and a different schedule. And my plans to teach high school American Literature at a private school as a maternity sub for my friend from late October until Christmas break are requiring a lot of preparation. I know God wants things to work out this way, so I am not unhappy about the shift in plans. But since our entire lifestyle hinges on me being in our house full-time, adjustments require attention for this upcoming fall. And attention requires time and mental energy. And time and mental energy disappear around here like a firefly's flickering backside in the distance.

Fall is my favorite time. Aside from the obvious seasonal delights, each of my three guys' birthdays are coming up: our firstborn's at the end of October, my husband's in November, and our toddler's in December. I really like birthday parties and celebrations and doing things with loved ones, so I like to "go overboard". I need more time and energy! My brain is trying so hard to pull off all these special and everyday things, down to our homemade bread loaves, and I can see the smoke coming out my ears.

I still plan to give Big Love work to do at my sister's each day and to work with him in the afternoons when I am finished teaching... But he is just doing pre-K. I have been exhausting my mental energy like the State is already monitoring his education. A homeschool friend with an older child told me that in kindergarten I will have to document four hours (I am pretty sure) of school each weekday. So I have been trying to do that... Silly Nicoll! It's like I am training for the sub-3-hour full-marathon on my newbie half-marathon legs in homeschool world. It's like I am prepping him for college, and he is not even 5... yet.

God has us here, in this time and place with these abilities, whatever they are (or are not). I know the plans I have for the future, and I burn a lot of energy trying to do them all RIGHT NOW. God may not have the same plans for me that I have. I know He had different plans up to this point than I did, and I am SO thankful for His omniscient and providential ways.

Father-God, please continue teaching me to be present in the space and time where You have me, continually giving me discernment on how to tackle my to-do list in the right way, with the abilities I have. Just as a newborn baby can't learn to walk or run without experiencing certain other important phases, I must experience this season to get to the next ones the right way. Please help me simplify and chill out. I know a lot of my stress comes from a desire to compensate for previous passionless and idle years with my new-found driven passion to.do.all.the.good.things.right.now. But where does my planning get me? A burnt out spirit with a bum foot and an out-of-order house. Thank You for getting me to a place where I do not feel unloved by You with my limits and flaws. I truly, deeply feel AND believe You love me, no matter what. Thank You, Spirit, for busting through that insecurity. I feel an urgent desire to do what I want because I finally want good things. You know I also desire some bad things. Please just keep me far from my vices and watch over me until I grow to the next phase, and then please do the same for the next bazillion phases and seasons until I make it Home with You and Jesus. Thank You so much for Spirit! In Jesus' name, thank You!