Recovery Days: The Balance My Kids Require Strengthens Me

The most challenging days in my running pursuit, even more than running up hills and through heat, are recovery days. Those days I have to let my muscles rest and rebuild require intention and reminders of purpose all day long because all I want to do is chase my running high, but I can't. And I shouldn't. Having children has helped me execute the wisdom of recovery because they need me more than I need my running. "Boring" doesn't exist anymore because someone is in constant need and there is always something to do... so recovery days fly by, LIKE ALL DAYS! But they have become very meaningful for my mind and heart, as well as my body, which is stronger and faster than ever, perhaps thanks to the love (in all its many forms) my children need from me.

Work outs tear down our muscles, and a healthy balance of rest and nutrition not only heals those muscles but also adds strength to them each time we wisely use our bodies.

In high school I had a really unhealthy tendency to under-eat and over-exercise (yes, an eating disorder). I wouldn't eat hardly a thing at any meal, and I would exercise at least four hours every day, from morning runs or swim practice to after school runs or soccer practice to pre-bed-time spinning sessions (before I knew the term "spinning") on my stationary bicycle. God has brought me out of that terribly insecure place of seeking my worth in my appearance and activity, but it is still a temptation of mine to over-do pretty much everything if it makes my body feel clean and strong. In those days, I couldn't go as far or long as I can now because I wasn't fueling my body, and I wasn't letting it rest and recover. I was just wearing away, not thriving. I had amenorrhea (no period) for more than a year because my body was so worn. Excellence just could not happen by that method.

I moderately exercised through college, but after what I just told you about my high school days... you may understand why I didn't go all-in to exercising for a while. I had to learn wisdom first because I (still am tempted to) let it consume me if I do not remain alert and mindful. Shortly after we were married I was in a situation where I could exercise significantly every day of the week. And even though I was older (and a very wee, tiny bit wiser) I got to where I would run six miles every day of the week but one. I injured my foot. I couldn't walk without a limp for three weeks... no running during that time either. My muscles couldn't get stronger because I was just tearing them, not letting them grow.

Then I got pregnant with our first. I did not run while pregnant with him.

I did run after he was born. Running is my therapy. It clears my head. It helps me pray and seek God in my mind and my heart. Running aids the confidence I need to be connected to other people. My husband knows this about me, and he always helps me find any time I need to fit it in. 

So since we've had our first, and now our second, I have learned--scratch that, I have NOT learned yet... But life now demands that I be wiser in action. Run, recover, run, recover. Little people need me. I still nurse our toddler a couple times a night. I am figuring out homeschooling. I have active friendships and family relationships. I cannot run every single day right now. And that is GOOD for me. I have never been stronger or faster.

Even though I really just want to go on my long, head-clearing runs every.single.afternoon when our littler is napping and our bigger is having quiet time, I have other responsibilities. And I now realize how precious each ounce of time and energy are for expending myself over all the blessings I have been given.

So how do I handle recovery days? Do I feel antsy and snappy? Yep. At first. 

But God is teaching me to find my rest in Him, in His Word, in constant conversation with Him. Not only do my kids require my time and energy, but they require my love. And nothing motivates me to get over my selfish, addicted, irritable behavior than wanting to express to them how wonderfully made and loved they are.

And seeing them with my eyes gives me a peek of how God sees me.

So recovery days for strengthening my running muscles have also become reflection days for strengthening the love and weakening the insecurities in my heart.

Father-God, thank you for Your faithfulness to teach me through my years of (continued) foolishness. The more I learn about You, and life, and others... about myself... the more peace and contentment I discover. I have a long way to go. You know that without You I am an insecure, worn out, over-achieving MESS. But, with You, some good growth and strength are building. I can feel Spirit's tree blossoming in my heart, and although it is beyond my comprehension how you could, I believe You let Your Son's righteousness cover me and transform me... Thank You.

A Seasoned Runner's Brave New World of Racing: A Huge 5K in a Big City With a Friend

If you have read this blog lately or know me, then you are up-to-date with how I have always loved running (though some seasons of my life did not contain it) but only lately found the courage and confidence to enter official races. My first official race was a 5K last week in Clinton, KY (You can read about my win there here).

This morning a friend and I raced in the Chick fil A 5K race series in Memphis. This race was at the opposite end of the spectrum from the little 5K I did last weekend.

First, it was HUGE! Nearly 2,000 participants ran a 3+-mile stretch of road through that pretty city on this peaceful Labor Day morning. The starting line was ridiculously packed for maybe a block? I don't know. I couldn't tell with that many people. Whew!

But I got to experience chip timing because of the size of this race. I'd heard that most races give you a chip you can tie on your shoe laces (genius), but our chips were on the back of our number tags on our shirts (even more genius). Last week, the race only had forty participants, and it was hosted by a church... we were not chip timed. Ha! A lady sat at a table by the finish line and marked our time from the huge timer in the parking lot as we crossed the cones. I was so anxious at the beginning of that race about how we could not all fit equally at the starting line, so I got as close to the front as possible.

I think it is amazing that technology allows the fairness of a huge race to happen, not to mention immediate results! Even though it took nearly a minute for the chunk of people in front of me to even reach the starting line today, I felt peace because I knew my chip made it fair: We all can run at the place where we are on the road. The chip does not begin timing until you pass the start line because some technological doo-hickey (yep, I know all the fancy words) activates it, and then it stops when you cross the finish line because of a doo-hickey there... and then you can go look up your number on a volunteer's tablet and see where you placed overall, in age category, and gender category.

Last week I soared through my race, beating my goal of under 24 minutes in plenty of time. (official: 22:56... but distance was questioned by my personal gps at 3.02 miles).

The friend who ran with me today did awesome. I asked her about five weeks ago to run with me in a race because I knew she was experienced, and she helped me feel braver about racing. Her confidence and willingness and hard work (pushing her adorable 2-year-old in a jogging stroller in Tennessee summer heat) to get back in the running game (she has raced plenty in yesteryears) amazed me. I paced her today, and she got her best time yet. I am so happy for her!

Today God was in our friendship, as well as in finding Spirit's peace about remembering that different events call for different roles. Part of me wanted to see if I could beat my time from last week, but there will be time for that another day. Today I relaxed and just had fun with my friend! I see fun races in our future too ;)

(This is us after we finished:)

Feeling the atmosphere of such a huge race and understanding how chips work for timing have me feeling even more confidence about my half marathon in October... less than six weeks away. (I have butterflies of eager anticipation.)

Father-God, thank you for this morning. You taught me a lot today about seeking Your everlasting Kingdom, instead of building my own, which will just be dust one day. Whew! Thank you for my brave friend who drove to a big city and encouraged me by helping me get race experience as I travel along this adventure. Thank you for my unfathomably supportive husband and adorable children who got out of bed while it was still dark to accompany me and cheer me on Your Way. I am so blessed and I have the best life. Please don't let me get distracted by my own kingdom. If running and racing are tools that can glorify You, please let me continue in this fun. Please don't let me misuse this acitivity for self-worship of any kind. Thank you for the health of my body, the confidence of my mind, and the willingness and peace and good things from Spirit. In Jesus' name, Thank You!

My First 5K -- a Win!

Yesterday was the day -- the day I finally found the courage to run a race, after years of loving to RUN!

I drove an hour and a half to participate in a small 5K (around 40 participants) hosted by a church who is raising funds to free children from sex slavery in Thailand on their mission trip next year.

What a day! Y'all! WHAT A DAY! I am still reeling with excitement from it all! I ended up being the first woman to cross the finish line... more on that in a minute.

My husband, who I may sometimes call Coach for all the moral and childcare support he provides to encourage my running goals, stayed home with our boys while I drove and ran. I got to pray -- UNINTERRUPTED -- for like an hour, and then I blasted the radio and sang. My new smart phone led me to my destination, even when an important ramp was closed. It is so cool how those GPS things work!

When I got there, I wasn't feeling the anxiety and nervousness I feared. Running is a joy for me. It's the people and the competing of races that scare(d) me. (Not anymore--I wanna race, race, race after yesterday!) I was just ready to run. I checked in, got my shirt, emptied my bladder, stretched and prayed. I sized up the competition -- quite a mix of ages, from 6 years old to 60.

I was most nervous about pacing myself when amidst the other runners. The competition is a healthy motivator for speed, but I did not want to start out so fast that I crashed halfway through... and i didn't want to start out too slow because I was afraid of starting too fast.

Above is a shot from my Runtastic of the race yesterday morning. My first mile was faster than I am used to, and I felt that at the time (even though I didn't want to look at my phone and get caught up in my head about that... so I didn't look until the end), so I slowed a little, purposefully. The third mile required endurance, and I felt like I was flying when the volunteers cheered me through the finish line. I didn't slow until I crossed those cones! WHEW!!!

One more thing about the Runtastic. I totally forgot to turn off my clock for almost 45 seconds after crossing the finish line. I knew I was the first woman, and at the time I couldn't tell if I was the fifth or sixth person. I was SO EXCITED, like a person who is so shocked she hit a homerun that she forgets to run bases... I forgot to shut off my clock in the excitement. The official time as recorded at the race was 22:56!!! First woman! Fifth person! My goal was under 24 minutes. I feel so pumped! As you can see, though... my Runtastic only measured 3.02 miles... but I would have beat my goal even with the next .08 miles... unless I fell on my face, I guess!

You guys, courage and success feel so good! I am working on a post about finding God in these moments of glory. It is easy to make it all about me and way too much self focus. I pray to express in words how much God has helped me from being a really insecure teenager many years ago to becoming a woman who feeds healthy delusions of elite-running grandeur in the next decade. Or just a woman who has a lot of fun at races, like yesterday! Elite or not, this is where I am and I am actually present for it -- ENJOYING it in God's PEACE, content with where I am while healthfully attempting new goals. What plans does He have for me? Will I simply encourage average women to try something intimidating they have always wanted, will I run in the Olympics (doubtful but not impossible), will I find connections and funds to help people in need through this hobby??? I don't know. And I am not gonna get ahead of myself. Right now, I am a woman who appreciates the physical and mental fitness of running, and who is finding the courage to try new circumstances and new challenges because I actually believe I can do anything through Christ on His unique path for me. Step-by-step. God will lead me. (I have another post in the mental works about women who have helped me break through the shell of negativity about women's capabilities. We are different than men, in God's good design; but we are capable of much more than the thoughtless and easy-to-miss-but-still-absorbed remarks we are surrounded by in our culture.)

I also learned something I needed to know for the half-marathon in October: I cannot drink water from a little cup at the volunteer stand while running. It went up my nose and choked me, so I just poured it on my shirt to cool off. I usually don't need a drink until mile 6, but I have been wondering about the half. Should I just wear my own water bottle with a squirt top? I don't want to put up with it. Stopping to drink a little cup in a fast gulp and then making up for lost speed once it is down will be better than choking on snorted water and gasping for breath while running at top speed. Hmm. It was funny, though!

Another thing I enjoyed about the race was waiting with other finishers until all the racers were done. One man, Scott, talked with me for a good while about ultra-marathons (Yes, I have a NEW DELUSION OF GRANDEUR that I will post about at a later date too!) and his family. He and I connected at the starting line because it took them forever to blow the horn. He was friendly and good spirited--a 53-year-old man who kept up with the two teenage boys who won the race, he crossed the finish line at 21:40, ahead of me. He took my picture for my award and kindly told me that his wife left her job as a CPA to stay home when they had kids (as many years ago as I was born) and that she was never sorry for the decision. He said that to encourage me as a mommy. I really like people who find little things to appreciate and encourage in others. I hope I meet Scott again. I really hope he runs the half-marathon I am doing in October. He was thinking about it. What a nice man!

Oh, and then there was a 6-year-old girl who finished the race in 40 minutes. Y'all, she had fallen flat on her face at the beginning of the race... and then she ran to the end. SIX YEARS OLD! Carolina, you rock, little gal! We all cheered for her at the end.

I got a gift card as my prize to RoadID.com. Until then, I had never considered the wisdom of wearing an identification accessory in case of injury on long runs by myself... I am interested in it. And since they didn't have medals at this race... I consider the gift card envelope my medal. See below: (Can you see the tiny letters?) I am the "Winner Fe"! I assumed that is "Fe[male]", but it also makes me think I am Iron Man because of the Periodic Table of Elements... and because I feel like Iron Woman after yesterday's success.

Father-God, You were with me yesterday. Or, rather, I should say I walked with You. You're always with me, thanks to Your Son. Feeling alive feels so good, wanting to pursue challenges and be connected to people and conquer fears... Wow! If only my 15-year-old self could have figured this out THEN. Oh, well... You work on me in Your time. Thank You! Please help me not sabotage my continued training and pursuits by focusing on the wrong things from yesterday. Thank You for my health and my friends and family who encourage me. Thank You for future plans... and please help me to count on You more than those future plans, since they don't exist for me yet. Thank you for Spirit's work in my soul. I feel Your fruits more than I have before. Please keep working on me. In Jesus the Christ, I pray -- Thank YOU!

First Race Eve Emotions (5K)

Tomorrow is the day! I will wake before the sun (if I sleep at all with these butterflies inside me) to prepare myself to drive an hour and a half for my first official race.

In high school I swam with a school team for a year. I adored the hard workouts for practice. I would go before school on my own, and then I would go after school with teammates, all because I loved the challenge, endorphins, and success of training my body hard.

But the meets... Y'all, I hated the races with every fiber of my being. The anxiety I felt from the preparations and the travel and waiting for my event and the dread of people watching me (not that anyone other than my mom could even tell who I was in my swim cap and goggles, if she even could) -- all of those things were terrible to me. But I never hated practice (other than the first 5 a.m. jump into the cold pool). I looked forward to it. I am even missing it as I recall it now.

That was 13 years ago, so hopefully whatever maturity I have gained since will lessen the dread of race-day jitters as it compares to running now.

Today I feel positively excited I get to test my fitness and my mentality tomorrow. I have been a runner since before my swim days (except for a few interspersed seasons where I did not run). Like swimming, I could run all day every day if time and muscles allowed. I love training... but competition?

This season of running began after our 20-month-old's birth. I feel almost ready for the half-marathon I am doing in eight weeks because of the success of my long runs (7 to 10 miles since the beginning of July)... so my husband has been encouraging me to hold back this week before my first race, which is "just a 5K". I ran 7+ miles on Wednesday... and, if not for him, I would foolishly have done that this morning, instead of the 2.4 he advised me to do to keep my legs ready and strong for tomorrow, since this is my first race. It's not like I am a seasoned marathoner I read about on Twitter daily. THIS IS DRIVING ME BANANAS!!!! I want to go FARTHER! But I am thankful Coach tempers my inability to separate events and seasons and abilities in my "I should be able to do and have it ALL RIGHT NOW" mind.

Pre-race questions that only experience can answer: How will I follow the pace my body needs in context of all the other racers? Will I go too fast bc I am hyped up, and then burn out? Or will I go too slow because I am afraid of going too fast? Will I get my goal time, even with the inflatable obstacle course at this particular race? Should finishing be my only goal for the first race?

We'll see!

Father-God, thank You for the opportunity and ability I have in this season to run. It blesses me very much, which I hope carries into blessing those close to me. Please help me be kind to myself no matter how tomorrow's race goes. I want walk peacefully and joyfully with Spirit. Please open my heart to whomever and whatever You want me to experience throughout this running jig. In Jesus, thank You.

Running Goals

I tried to re-vamp my blog during our baby's nap time. Another day I will have to figure out how to get personalized photos in the place I want them AND the size in which I want them. I feel rushed because who knows when I'll hear that waking cry. I find it hard to concentrate, especially with technology.

Running is therapy for me. I have always heard people say they need to do This or That "to clear my head." Well, running clears my head. It gets all the little crazy ducks of worry and fear and control-freakishness in their proper rows so I can continue in confidence and order. It smooths out all the wrinkles my thoughts trip over all day long.

A week from today I will run my first official race. I have run off-and-on since high school, but I have never been brave enough to run a race. Why do I need to run a race if the treadmill or the local trail is enjoyable for me? I need to run a race to overcome my fear of connection. I want to be connected to other runners, and I want to see how far and fast God wants me to go. So I am really excited! I have increased my six-mile runs up to ten miles for the past six weeks in continued preparation for a half-marathon in mid-October. This first race will be a 5K, and I am driving to another state by myself for the experience. I am the type who needs to get my feet wet in solitude, so I eagerly anticipate the day of reaching new heights with just God and myself. No distractions. Very spiritual for me... which may sound weird to some. Oh, well.

Then a friend and I have some shorter races this fall too... and I am really excited to experience the race atmosphere and warm up to it with a buddy after getting my feet wet alone next week.

My training so far leads me to think a <24-minute 5K is reasonable, and a sub-2-hour half-marathon. We'll see! 

Running is a big deal for me because of the way God made my tender mind and sensitive body to affect each other (Can anyone say "hangry" and cranky to the max when tired or sedentary? My husband seems unaffected by hunger or exhaustion, but the slightest imbalance throws me off. I guess we make a good team! He chills me out, and I make sure he actually eats something.) And then the spiritual benefits on top of that mind-body connection help me become one with myself. I can get to know myself better, which is just as challenging as getting to know anyone else, don't ya think? And that helps me walk with Spirit, and then better communicate my love to others and God, instead of being trapped in my neurotic head with no way of expression outside myself.

On the contrary, I also must pray for God to reign over this as a tool for goodness, instead of letting the evil one use it as worship to the idol of Beauty... the feet of which I can be found kneeling dangerously often.

Father-God, thank you for the ability of my mind and body to enjoy runs. Please use my effort and experiences to carry me along the plan You desire for me, which is way better than anything I could fathom with my limited human perspective. Thank you for Spirit's help in this world. Thank You, in Jesus -- Amen.

A Childlike Lack of Control for the Kingdom

Some things about being an adult are nice, but I honestly miss being a kid. With a sorrowful longing, I lament the days I was not in control.

 Having control over my choices can be liberating, but, honestly, the responsibility of strategizing the goodness or usefulness of everything I do (and learning daily all the things of which I am still ignorant) has me ex.haust.ed.

Work is fun. 

 And fun is work. 

 Ugh. Why??? 

 I have two amazing children and a wonderful husband, and I love being a wife and mommy; but if I am not accomplishing something on my to-do list or making the world (which I now realize is endless, thanks to social media) a better place, then I feel like God will borrow Mr. Topham's hat and scold me at the end of the day -- with a pointed finger and a lovely British accent-- for not being a Really Useful Engine. 

 Some days, even though I am here in body, I am mentally the mother who has abandoned her family to serve in the Peace Corps. Not okay!

 I was going to include some examples of my people-pleasing nature that have distracted me from seeking God's heart and just letting Him be Father, Son, and Spirit... but my 4-year-old, who outgrew naps eight months ago, keeps asking me questions during our quiet time. How long has it been since I last wrote a blog? Months. Can I keep a straight thought? Nope. Hopefully this will make sense by the end. Or, even better, instead of it making intellectual sense of something, I simply pray it reminds me that as God's child, I just have to hold His hand, follow, and stop trying so hard.

Last week, our daily Bible reading covered the theme of Jesus loving little children. Every day, we read scriptures about Jesus saying we can only be part of God's Kingdom if we become like little children (Matt 18:1-6, Matt 19:14, Mark 5:22-24, 35-42, Mark 9:36-37, Mark 10:13-16, Luke 9:46-48, Ephesians 3:14-19). What a good reminder!

Kids don't over-think, planning their days to the last details; and, if they do, it's because they want to have joy, FUN, with those they love, not to make resources as efficient as possible. They aren't self-sufficient. They can pretend they can do it "all on their own", but by the end of the day, they need nourishment and comfort from their guardians to survive. And they seek it. And they accept it.

We adults may have the ability to plan financially and drive ourselves to the grocery stores; we may be able to make our own decisions about our appearances or our choices of companions or how we treat people; at the end of the day, though, we all spend a moment alone, falling asleep... and we either feel alone. Or we don't.

When did being a Christian become about what I can do? It used to be about a checklist of intellectual understanding and righteousness gleaned from the Bible (that does NOT save me!) and now it's about how useful I am at enacting social justice (that's NOT what saves me!). Both are good, useful tools for getting close to God's heart; but sometimes they become very distracting barriers to God's heart.

 I guess since God's Word repeatedly reminds us to be like little children, it's just part of our walk -- to constantly have to humble ourselves and remember we are not the ones in control. Nor are the people we blame for messing up everything.

 Is anyone else tired? Jesus promised His way isn't heavy. So why are we carrying so much unnecessary extra baggage?

Being a follower of Jesus means I don't only get to be loved by God (as ALL humans, regardless of faith, are); BUT I GET TO LOVE HIM TOO! We get to be in a relationship! And, as I look at the endless things around our household that would never be complete even if I had all the waking hours to devote to them; and when I long to serve where God just hasn't currently placed me; and when I read the news of this broken world, and all the accusations from Christians and non-Christians about why it is all.my.fault, I know that this life was never meant to be about efficiency or usefulness.

This life is about being with God. We get to know each other's hearts, He and I. Go away, distracting accusations and insecurities! I want to spend the afternoon with my Father.

And I can't help but wonder if a lot of things would improve if we would all just relax and be where God has us from moment to moment -- the surroundings, the people, the circumstances. To find the good where we are, as we let God guide us to where we will/should be.

The word "abide" has become a cozy, peaceful garden couch to me in recent months, where I get to sit on Father's knee with Jesus, as it applies to the following verse:

John 15:3-4: “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

Thanks for the comfort, Spirit!

My Two Cents: Stop Feeding the Bitterness

Sometimes I agree with things I read on social media, but "Liking" them would only feed a monster that needs to starve to death. As frustrating as it can be, the people-pleaser in me is squelched (and I am liberated) when I realize that no matter what I believe, some of you will think I am a heathen and others a saint -- and you're all getting your reasons from the same Good Book. Thank God His grace is dependent on Jesus' sacrifice and victory, and not my brain's or my heart's ability to process information in politically and socially charged circumstances. The Bible is my guide. Reconciliation is my ministry. Every day is fraught with failures and successes that can either take me off The Way or lead me nearer Him. I can only take the next step from this step where I currently am, even if people are miles ahead of me. I wish I knew everything. I wish love was easy for me when interpersonal disagreements challenge it. I wish my (tiny) courage and (waning) energy could get me to the front of the line. The fruits are growing, though, from a tiny seed into a mighty tree, on a pace set by the Holy Spirit's unique work in me. And I will try not to sneer or express annoyance at those who are miles behind me because God is exhibiting the same patience and kindness with them in their circumstances as he continues to do with me. And the goal is the same for us Christian siblings, no matter what time we arrive: Home! I refuse to feed bitterness in my heart. And I refuse to feed interpersonal bitterness, even if I am justified. God's call to justice and His tendency toward mercy confound my limited perspective. Enabling bitterness is as destructive as attacking it. Heal the hearts with faith and gratitude, even if it is difficult, unlikeable, and misunderstood. Don't let the disease keep festering. Correction and disagreement are necessary. But when we find ourselves in those situations, care and wisdom must be used to aid growth. Can we all encourage each other in our different perspectives through patience needed for a lifelong journey, without writing each other off as heartless, ignorant causes? Each of you finds the news story that satisfies your political leaning because that many different versions of "truth" are created. Truth is hard to determine from human perspective because we.are.limited. God is not limited. Ask---->receive. Seek---->find. Knock---->enter. One thing is sure: people are bitter toward each other. Centuries of things out of our control have left a bitterness between humans for superficial reasons. The Prince of This World, Satan, surely is at the helm of this. Pray for God to open your eyes to the things that scare, confuse, or bother you. Stop feeding the bitterness. Please.