Recovering IT Band: Long-term Goals, Fell Apart to Fall into Place

For whatever reason(s) my IT band is giving me a lot of trouble. Whether it was the two weeks of downtime for my melanoma incision to heal and/or trying to train for a full-marathon around that event, the ligament connecting my left hip to knee, my illitobial band, is very painful. It's getting tight and rubbing on my knee bone, which expresses itself as pain on the outside of my knee when I run. From what I've read, I don't think that it can cause serious damage, but I do have to give it a good couple months of rest to (hopefully) get rid of this pain. An underlying weakness in my hip is likely what caused the trouble, which could certainly have been from a lot of things I had to do differently while my incision healed, mostly laying on my unusual side for sleeping and being careful to not swing that arm for a week when I did get to run again. Who knows.

So how am I trying to recover it, while hoping for some long term running goals?

1) Lots of cross-training:

A local university has a pool with affordable access to the public during certain hours. Two or three times a week, I do this wonderful-for-every-part-of-my-body exercise. I was on a high school swim team my junior year. I loved practice because of what a full workout swimming is. It took me about four visits to get my breathing rhythm back for the freestyle, but it feels so good, the process has been worth it.

I also have a stationary bicycle at home. I like riding it for an hour before our boys wake up. Cycling makes me feel that IT band very minimally, so I am keeping the resistance kinda low. But it's a good sweat!

I also have been doing all sorts of strength-training, from clam shells to squats to hip lifts and yoga poses of all sorts. Gotta get my hips up to snuff!

2) Light running:

I have told myself I will not try to run on the road until a 5K with friends mid-May. The treadmill does not irritate it as much, especially with a friend's knee brace. I have run a couple times since the half (that was no longer the full-marathon bc of my IT band) on April 9. I did two miles a few days ago, and stopped because it got tight. I did six today that felt great, but laying down on my unusual side while giving our toddler mommy milk for bed time has just now revealed some pain. I probably won't run again until Saturday... And I may have to cap myself off at 3 miles, no matter what. I am so tempted to overdo it. I miss the feel of a fast, long run.

Before this melanoma hiccup, I was feeling confident that I could run a full-marathon and qualify for Boston (03:35:00). Guys, I was even feeding delusions of being able to qualify for the next Olympics Marathon Trials (that gives me three+ years) (NOT the actual Olympics... Yet.). Currently, that means I'd have to run a marathon in less than 02:45:00. Hahahaha!!!! It has been a humbling pill to swallow uncontrollable variables that have required me to pull back and slow down. And now my delusions reveal themselves in all their hilarity.

3) The Running Revolution by Nicholas Romanov

This coach studied hundreds of hours of footage of some of the best runners in recent history to discover a common, best running form, which he has dubbed Pose Method. Justin got me the book for Christmas, and I did not want to take the time to re-train my body to do this proper form that Romanov claims will help me "run faster, farther, and injury-free for life." Well, NOW I got the time to rebuild my running, so I guess I oughta do it correctly. I already have been working on the stretches and strength-training to adjust my muscles and tendons and ligaments to a minimalized running shoe.

In addition, my marathon-running brother-in-law shared a training manual with me about properly preparing my body for a full-marathon with a solid running base that is not just based on a rushed training method. I have a detailed way to add mileage In a wise way per week that won't overload my body. And I feel so secure and confident about planning my goals in a wiser way by having this knowledge. Hey, if I wanna get to Boston and the Olympics trials (hahaha!), I am gonna do this the right way. I don't want to do it just because... I want to be excellent. Maybe everything fell apart so I could get it in the right place?

Or maybe none of that will happen...

So #4 has become the most important lesson for me to apply myself to at this point, both spiritually and physically:

RELAX.

I still don't know how to do that.

(And I am not ready to share my long term spiritual goals in this setting, so the example will just be running.)

Knowing the goals I have for the future makes present perspective easier to grasp. If I wanna run even my first full-marathon, I can't run my knee to death right now. Not running (or limiting it very much, compared to my former training) is actually getting me closer -- moving me forward -- to running a marathon than trying to go do forty+-mile weeks right now.

And that, having to be still in mind and heart more than in body, is where I am trying to get.

I wanna dream big, but I also want to be humble enough to get there... Or to be okay if God has a different timeline or plan than I do altogether.

Father-God, thank You for teaching me. I need help with these lessons, so I thank You for Spirit and Jesus who remind me of perspective and determination. Thank You for not giving up on me.

That time I had melanoma

This blog usually highlights my running and homeschool pursuits. Last week, a new challenge was presented in our adventure. I had a mole removed that was diagnosed as malignant melanoma. EEK! The initial removal and diagnosis, as well as the succeeding larger biopsy and continued recovery, have happened hot and fast, like a piece of withered grass in a campfire. It was a huge deal, but it's not as a big of a deal as it could have been. It was a vision in between blinks, but it matters to my family and me. My emotions are simmering as I process what happened. I am also in the midst of training for my first full marathon, and the juxtaposition of a health scare *versus* speed and strength have resounded my purpose (whether or not it's clear in all the details of my spectral emotions).

"...but that with FULL COURAGE now as always

CHRIST WILL BE HONORED/EXALTED/GLORIFIED

in my body, whether by life or by death."

Philippians 1:20

My purpose, whether a simple SAHM, a marathoner, or a person battling weakness and sickness or death. I am so thankful for the friend who read this over me.

For three or so years I was carrying a tiny black blob of a bomb on my upper arm, and I didn't realize it. Although I could tell something wasn't right about this new mark on my arm, and that it was slowly growing, carving time out to see a doctor about it wasn't at the forefront of my mind (because... kids, limited budget, fleeting time).

I finally went to a dermatologist about it last month. They didn't tell me what it was, but I could tell by their reactions that it might be something serious. On Friday, February 27, they removed it and another suspicious mole. I asked if I should worry. The nice physicians' assistant said with a concerned shrug that it was irregular. I did Google melanoma after that. And guess what? It looked *just like* my little ol' now-missing mole. But we never believe THAT could happen to US, right?

A few days later, I got a call at 7:15 a.m. that I was needed back at the doctor *that* day. It was not enough time to get there without my boys. They scheduled me for the next day and said I would be there about an hour and fifteen minutes, but they never said why directly. I asked if I should be concerned, and the receptionist asked me to hold. Thirty seconds later she told me that the records were sealed and she was only told to call me and schedule me to return. If I had it to do over again, I probably would have been pushier with information about MY body that I am pretty sure I signed a waiver to hear about over the phone. I guess they were trying to prevent panic. They succeeded. But I was very aware there was a problem.

So Thursday, March 3, I had surgery all.of.a.sudden. They kindly brought me to a room. Was it my imagination they were all looking at me in a lingering/pitying way? Probably. The kind doctor came in with her nurse and a grad student intern. She professionally informed me that the mole on my arm was malignant melanoma. She asked if I knew anything about it. "That it is big and bad and scary," I replied. She nodded and said, "Yes, it's very big and bad and scary." Then she informed me that because it can spread so quickly if even one cell remains in my arm, and then it would become "terminal" (what a surreal word in my life), that they would remove a centimeter's circumference around the initial melanoma to be sure all the cells were removed the first time. And removing that circle of skin would require a longer cut in order to sew it back together. She informed me I couldn't do any heavy-lifting or strenuous exercise for two weeks because the stitches would rip. I told her I was training for a marathon and asked if I could do my scheduled 20-mile run in the morning:

"Not unless you want to rip your stitches," she said.

"What about light running?" I asked in what I thought was a cutely persuasive plea.

"You can't get your blood going too much or you will rip your stitches." Her tone was a lot like the one I use when our 5yo asks me for the same thing I said no about ten times already.

She said she wanted to remove the skin immediately, but that I could wait if I chose. I decided getting the big bad scary cancer cells out of my body was priority. I could only see my husband and our boys in my mind's eye with God's voice in my heart. Who knows if I had years until it reached terminal proportions, but why take that chance?

So they prepped me. They cut me. They sewed me up. I gasped when I saw how big it was, even though she had drawn the guide on my skin and showed me beforehand. Twelve stitches. It took my breath away that something so huge happened to me all alone in a room in less than an hour: bad cancer, surgery, massive wound.

This was the wound immediately after she removed the possibly affected skin area.

This is the wound this morning, day 7. I am amazed that God made our bodies to stitch themselves back together. I keep praising Him every time I change my bandage and see the progress.

The medical professionals were all so kind. I wasn't afraid. But it was a HUGE life moment. And it was so brief and isolated (just in that hour) from people who are in my life. I still don't know quite how to communicate about it. It's a big deal but not a big deal.

When I started realizing I may have melanoma, before they called me, I had some moments of clarity. Since then, they have blurred in the pain and maintenance of the scar, despite the everyday responsibilities with two kids and a bazillion activities.

I had been asking God to discipline me because my heart is not in the right places. He is helping me remember what matters, like I requested. But I am such a slow learner sometimes.

One of the clear epiphanies (is that redundant?) I had was that I need to relax. I feel so rushed and like I am always doing the wrong thing, no matter where I am or who I am with or what I am doing. And it makes me mean and impatient and everything opposite of peaceful and giving. I want to slow down and be with my family, the mission field where I currently walk, instead of always feeling called to the millions of "mission fields" and "guilt trips" I feel manipulated into engaging in groups and on media. This is my responsibility to handle. Slowly but surely, my heart is slowing down, stilling itself in the presence of God and His pleasure with my family and where we are. I am always so concerned with where we're supposed to be going that I miss where.we.are. We can't get to the top floor without traveling all the ones in between.

My sisters in Christ amazed me and softened my heart for molding. I texted several family/friends to ask for prayers, and the kind words and support warmed me. Three of them, including my amazing little sister, even came over after our kids were in bed that night to pray over me. My mom had a fever, but she insisted on FaceTiming with us so she could be part of it. I am her baby. We did as much laughing as praying, and I felt so loved. It was such a rich blessing. Our small group was so supportive and prayerful, as was my mother's. My sweet mom couldn't offer to serve me enough. She blessed our family so much over the past few days by being my left arm and helping during appointments. And my amazing little sister really got how this affected my heart. She even drew a black melanoma awareness ribbon on her foot for her first 5K this past weekend in my honor. My in-laws reassured me with peacefulness and presence. My husband worried about me in his sensitive and servant-hearted way. He is out-of-state all this week on business, and he hated having to be away at this time way more than I did. God reminded me that I do, in fact, need people.

My mom got me these beautiful potted miniature roses. If I can keep them alive, then I look forward to their progress reminding me of the growing love of Christ that all these wonderful people shared with me through this fast experience.

I found out two days ago that I do not have any more melanoma. Praise the LORD! I will return every three months for a year to be examined, and then every six months, and eventually just once a year, assuming it stays away.

I texted my husband who was in the air (I look SO forward to celebrating with him when he returns on FRIDAY!!!)--and I texted all my prayer warriors. I could hear the laughter and clapping and rejoicing. How wonderful to have relationships based on eternal hopes. I praise(d) Him either way because I know He is guiding me, above and through my circumstances with nearness. I go back on St. Patty's Day (the two-week mark) for removal of stitches. I will come home and PICK UP MY BOYS with BOTH arms and squeeze them tightly, and then I hope to enjoy a long marathon training run afterward, especially since the next day is my 31st birthday--which will mean even more to me this year than ever before.

Not being able to run for two weeks in the midst of the most important part of my full marathon-training is a huge mental and heart challenge. Where am I placing my identity? Where does my hope lie? Is it temporary or eternal? Who/what do I worship as my Sustainer? I have been pleading with God to allow me to keep running, but for Him to teach me to be present in all circumstances. I can't always be in my mind gym. I have some pretty great souls to love in our four walls and along our blessedly and graciously joined path.

I absolutely still plan to run the full-marathon on April 9. A friend and her coach are giving me feedback, and research says I should not lose too much cardio and strength with two down weeks at this point in my fitness. It may not be as fast as I'd like (3:30), and I may not qualify for Boston in my first attempt (3:35) (All my numbers were saying it *was* possible), but I can still do my best and learn something exciting for my future. And if I am tempted to break the rules and run with my stitches before the two weeks are up? I just remind myself that busting them open would mean more time away from something I really want to grasp from God and give back to Him. He gave me this time off as mind renewal. It is such a personal, deep thing for me, involving my history. I won't go into that now.

Melanoma versus Marathon! I have learned that I need to be more gracious and relaxed with myself, so I can treat my family and others the same. I have **a lot** of practice to do. But look at all the reminders my body has left for me to remember my purpose. I have marks from pregnancy, a C-section, training progress from all my workouts, now a cancer scar, and so much more: I want my body to glorify Christ in whatever circumstances I face. BE GRACIOUS. SHARE LOVE--THAT MEANS RECEIVE IT AS WELL AS GIVE IT.

I got myself a KAVU sun hat. I will be lathering on the sunscreen and covering up. I love being outside, but I will respect the sun's rays more than I ever did before. My babies and hubby will be covered too.

I am thankful and overwhelmed -- and mortal. Thank Father-God for Spirit's fruits and Jesus's salvation.

Marathon Prep, Life Determination, and That Foot

Lord-willing, I will be running in my first full-marathon on Saturday, April 9, which is coming up in about seven weeks. Last Friday I ran eighteen miles in my training plan, which is the most I have ever run in one setting. The more training I experience for this race, the more I appreciate every tiny mental and physical detail of my preparation. I also become more aware of how concepts like planning in light of endurance, determination and its affect on specific aspects of success, perseverance over exhaustion or doubt, and faith through unknown variables play a part in all of my life -- from my faith, to my wifehood, to my parenting, to our future plans.

Planning out my weekly activities involves following the training plan I downloaded at CoachJenny.com, as well as tweaking it based on how I feel from workout session to workout session. Since this is my first full-marathon, I am following a beginner plan. Since I have had more success in my first two half-marathons than I expected before my racing adventures began, I have also been asking experienced acquaintances for advice about pushing myself a little farther than the beginner training plan takes me. Not much farther, because I don't want to hit THE WALL, but just a little. Not knowing what the future holds (my ignorance of what it will actually feel like to go 26.2 miles, whether the weather will be cool or way too warm that day, if I will have to nurse sensitive almost-injuries, etc.), drives me bananas. This requires so much self control in my thoughts and in my body. I keep reading about how I have to hold myself back for most of the race to make it until the end, but I also want to push myself just a little because I will be right on the line of qualifying for Boston at this marathon. Right.on.the.line. Unless it's hot, and then I will just be happy to finish and survive. Ha! What is the balance between taking risks and playing it safe?! I ask myself this as I plan for our homeschool, as we talk about building a cabin, when it comes to making new friends in this crazy world of wireless connections. Bah!

Determination is so important to persevering toward success. Running is truly a joy for me, so it's easy to commit to it. I won't say getting up in the dark mornings is easy, but I know I'll enjoy it, so envisioning it ahead of time helps me do it. Knowing which day requires which workout (recovery run or cross-training or speed session or long run, etc.) and where I will be (either in my running room or outside or at a gym) and at what time specifically helps me succeed. Vision is so important to my success, being able to play it out in my head and imagine everything gets me there, even/especially when it's hard because of tiredness or weakness. And committing to this over a period of time, for the last half of my  reminds me how much better it feels to do it than not to do it.

Faith through the unknown variables has become such a challenge for me mentally, and it makes me so emotional. Bah! I mentioned it before, but I am so nervous because I can't predict or control the weather for race day. In a Tennessee April, the day could be cloudy and 55 or 60 OR it could be sunny and 85. The temperature will certainly affect my speed that day. It could make a half-hour or more difference in my finishing time. Bah! But I guess that's kinda what makes it fun too -- the challenge, right?

Okay, so I have two half marathons under my belt : 01:45:15 in October 2015 and 01:38:00 in February (this year:2016). I can qualify for the Boston Marathon if I complete the full in 03:35:00, and I need to get it in at least two minutes less than that, hopefully three or more, because they have started cutting off the qualifying time to accommodate ALL the qualifiers. I didn't even consider this a possibility until I did well at my halfs. Before, I just wanted to finish in under four hours. If it's a cool day, I really do think I have a chance to qualify, but if it's hot... whew! The BIG IF! I will just keep training and enduring through discomfort and do my best on that day. And I can always keep trying. Looking forward, always looking forward, intentionally crawling out of pits of self-pity or -doubt.

My foot. That foot. The one that bothered me during my first half-marathon. Oh, that foot. I think it's plantars fasciitis, but, honestly, it isn't THAT bad, it's just almost bad. It has been bugging me this week, since my eighteen-miler. I know I'll have to nurse it through the marathon with ice and stretching. The good news is that it is stronger because I didn't feel at all during my second half-marathon training. It can handle more mileage and speed... I'll just keep running and pushing the limits.

Preparing for this marathon is helping me deal with the marathon of life. Parenting is challenging. Planning for my children's futures (homeschool, sports, friends, etc.)  and overcoming my anxieties of being around new people (so that hopefully my kids won't struggle in that) are huge deals for me. I am exhausted. But if I can push from mile 16 to 18, even though all the muscles in my body just wanna crash, then I can talk to that new person or learn about this new thing. Right??? Running is way easier than life.

God's words, the words of LIFE, have some pretty good advice based on running metaphors. I want to reiterate every single time that I talk about my faith and running that I don't feel like God needs to me to win to achieve HIS glory. Running is a tangible practice in my life to learn more about God's goodness and grace for me and the world in so many aspects. The following passages are as true to my everyday, mundane mom life as they are to my running. More importantly, they are true for my faith as it faces all sorts of cynicism and doubt and failure (from within and without). Thank you, Father, for living in me and not giving up on me. The sky is the limit. I am where I am today, and I want to walk with You in all the tomorrows, where'er You lead me.

Hebrews 12:1-2:: Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Philippians 3:14-16::  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

1 Corinthians 9: 24-27:: Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. 25 Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 26 So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. 27 But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

Second Half-Marathon and Being Real About God and Awkwardness

My second half-marathon was this past Saturday in the Cedars of Lebanon Tennessee State Park. I set a personal record (PR) of more than seven minutes since my first half back in October. I finished with an official chip time of 01:38:00. I was the second woman in my age group; seventh woman overall; and 56th person out of the 592 who raced that beautiful day! I am so pumped to continue training for the Andrew Jackson Full Marathon in April.

The boys and Justin came with me this past weekend. It was a 2.5-hour drive, so we made a weekend of it. We got to do some fun things together, and we got to see "old" friends.

Communicating adequately about my running has become an earnest prayer of mine. I am such an awkward person. Seriously you guys, I have been having very serious talks with God, slamming my fists on the steering wheel kind of serious, in wihch I beg Him to help me overcome my awkward interactions, whether in writing or real-life. Who cares if I'm awkward? Aren't we all! I just really want people to feel beloved by God after being around me -- and I am unsure if that's the case because I always say the wrong thing, if I even know what to say at all. I realize people these days are really into the self-deprecating humor of sharing the metaphorical junk drawer -- which has a needed place in connecting to each other graciously. But I also really like to excel. And I really want other people to realize their potential. We influence each other so much. What if we all went out believing I can run THAT fast  or I can say NO to THAT temptation or I can make THIS good thing work for my family? The sky is the limit, and I don't want anyone putting a glass ceiling over my head, stopping me from achieving God's best. I am a perfectionist. Which is the best and worst thing about me (Sometimes I win; other times I hide in bed because I am afraid to lose). I think that is true for all of us: the best thing about us can easily become the worst thing, if we don't give it to God and work to connect with others through His love, whatever THAT thing is.

I want to share the specifics of my running success because I am still the same old dorky, awkward Nicoll. I mean, compared to elites and Olympians I am still a slow poke. Compared to a lot of average people I am not (yet) the fastest; but I am surprising myself. If I can run like this, then any physically capable person who sets their mind to it can as well. God has granted my requests for passion and confidence; He continues to help me overcome my agonizing daily battles with negativity and self-annoyances. My running is one external example of HIS work inside my heart. But I know when I share speecifics, it can come across as bragging. So then I try to include a genuine response to God's role in something that has become a blessing to me and my sweet family, those sweet darlings who have to interact with me on a daily basis, whether that's a smooth or rough way from day-to-day! But when I share something about God's role in my running I don't want to water-down His immense power to achieving athletic success. Because I really don't think Christ's possibilities over everything exist so that big men can win the SuperBowl. It may be part of that... BUT I think Christ's power affects everything about our lives, ESPECIALLY our hearts. What is in our hearts?

Fear or Courage?
Faith or Doubt?
Faith overcoming Doubt?
Doubt squashing Faith?
Betterment tackling Bitterness?
Bitterness consuming Betterment?
Perseverance through loss?
Kindness through success?

Growing closer to God as He connects us to people and circumstances in which we have to make choices that will continue to shape our hearts is the point of every day. Whether you are a healthy person trying to win races, or whether you're a sick person just trying to get through this season, or whether you're in a relationship that strains your faith and your love in every way, or whether you have food to feed your family, or whether you don't know how your child will eat today, or whether you are trying to reach out to people in a system that makes it awkward or complicated, or whether God gave you people skills that immediately calm every heart in the room with a positive vibe -- the characteristics I want to display through my running are those any person in any circumstance can seek and find. Because we each need them for whichever specific trial we are facing right now -- and God makes those characteristics available to any of us, whether we are the rich person on the hill or the person in prison. Each of us has Light to shine, wherever we are.

Confessions of an Introverted Mommy Who Wants to Do All.the.things

Many of you know our family well, and others of you keep up with us on social media, so you know that this fall was unusual for our family. I, a woman who feels called to stay home with my kids, who plans to homeschool them, who has thrived on the quiet stillness of home, got a new and temporary opportunity: I was the maternity sub for my friend for the two months leading up to Christmas break. I taught ninety-five high school students every Monday through Friday. I had such a great time with the material, students, and other teachers. God gave me a perspective I desperately needed, but I am still adjusting. I feel like I am too sensitive to things because no one else seems as affected by their surroundings and experiences as I feel I am. Are y'all just better at poker faces? Things have been wacky for my husband and our two boys and me because our normal looks nothing like two parents working full-time and having other events to fill all the waking hours between clocking out and bed time. No time for recovering as individuals or people with relationships drained us.

I was supposed to sew on this karate patch five months ago. I just started it last night. My son told me his instructor was mad at me (5yo interpretation, not wholly true) because I hadn't done it yet. I had this patch a good two months before I started teaching. So much to do -- a lot gets lost in the wayside. "Out of sight; out of mind." And I hate myself for it!
This is just one example of my struggling.

That season ended two weeks ago, and of course the past two weeks have been filled with crazy holiday excitement, so the processing and recovery of that time has been challenging. I really enjoyed teaching poetry to kids who don't ask the same questions 543672727 times an hour and don't need help in the potty. I enjoyed actually being able to complete tasks without being interrupted for pottying or another repetitive question. But I miss all the quiet, still connections with my family. I miss hearing the funny things they say in the midst of all their curiosity. I miss watching their "Aha!" moments. I miss getting to love on them with physical affection, as well as emotional. I was too tired for anything but survival. As an introvert, my battery goes dry around people, even though I like y'all, even though I want to be connected and friendly in every way... so for two months my wonderful husband and our two boys have been getting nothing but my fumes, and my fumes have no substance for giving or receiving.

Honestly, I have been really mean to myself; and if Mommy is mean to herself--yep, everyone else is getting snapped at too. Women who work full-time outside of their homes CAN do a wonderful job in their homes AND with their families. I see the fruit of their skills and abilities. But I am struggling; I always have struggled, even with no full-time job. Why is it so hard for me? I want to have all the opportunities AND friendships AND not lose anything important in all the hullabaloo. I want people to know we aren't wealthy, and I am not spending my days eating chocolate on the couch while my kids play in the other room. Why do I care so much what other people think? When will this idol finally be destroyed?

I am learning that this parenting thing is not about either-or-- as in you are either a working mom or a stay-at-home mom. Nope. Like everything in life, humans can't be reduced to black and white--within ourselves or as we compare to others. There are as many options and callings for ways of life as there are individual personalities with meanings and histories and destinies. And we can all learn new habits and find new paths along the way. Some of us thrive when we're busy and surrounded by others, and others of us need our space.

But anchors are nice -- the people, relationships, and beliefs that ground us when all the possible paths in the whole wide world become a mass of tangled frustrations. When we want what others have it can be nice to come back to the center, to give thanks for the path God has given me, even if others don't get it.

After 30 years of getting to know myself, I know that I require that stillness and quietness to process my interaction with life. I also know that I desperately desire to be connected to others, but my awkwardness and insecurities interrupt a lot of conversations and postpone many play dates, literally and figuratively speaking. When I closed the door to my friend's high school classroom at the end of my two months, I cried. My heart was in two places, and I was filled with emotions because of all.the.others'.hearts --
my kids'
my husband's
the students'
other introverted mommies'
mommies' who pull off mommying AND careers like bosses
the people in poverty all over the world
the people who haven't decided to follow Jesus
the people who are so mad at God they pretend He isn't there...

What a full, colorful, complicated world! Do you feel like your filling your place? Like you're in the correct place? Like you can be okay in that place even if others judge you? Can you be okay in that place even when God is silent about it until the right time for speaking? All.the.hearts.

I am so tired.

I know that I want to be in my home with my family because of my history and my thought processes and hopes for the future. My husband and I have prayed and discussed it for years. But the burden of my affect on my children's hearts and minds and spirits sometimes seems heavier than if I had to actually carry ninety-five high school students across a football field all at once. I want to homeschool them because I want them to have the time and space to soak up their abilities and desires. I want to get to know them as they change daily into the men God has planned for their shaped puzzle piece. But what if I mess everything up, and it's all my fault they don't become who they're meant to be? What if it's because I homeschool them? Or what if it's because I don't? What if their hearts are messed up because I like running, and I spend time excelling in that? What if their hearts are messed up because I don't run because I am afraid to be selfish so I become bitter and resentful?

 I believe freedom in Christ spares me from the tedious worries I feel, but sometimes the feelings outweigh the faith. And right now I feel so tired that I can't tackle all the fears.

Jonny Diaz has a new song on the radio, called "Breathe." The line that jumped out at me says, "Lay down what's good to find what's best. Just breathe." So what's best? I know, ultimately, that whichever path we are on, we can seek Jesus, and He promises we'll find Him. But sometimes I just wish He'd give me a neon sign so I could stop wasting so much time wondering if I am on the right track. My heart is here AND there, and it has to find Jesus in the right place. And I have to relax and realize the right place isn't as tiny and specific as I feel it is.

Counting MY blessings, instead of others', and using self-control to stop the comparisons will help me. Now I just need the energy and creativity to pull off this mental work, for my heart's sake.

Running: 2015 Reflection / 2016 Outlook

This time last year, both boys and I were sick with the flu. I was too exhausted to even be depressed about it. Ha. It took me out for a couple weeks with quite the respiratory congestion, which halted my running. However, I overcame that and immediately got back to running, hoping 2015 would be the year I finally found the boldness to enter at least one race. Little did I know what possibilities God held for me this past year.

For most of my life, seeing my fears very clearly has been easier than even sensing my hopes... which became a weighty burden that prevented growth with its moldy, oppressive anxiety. I battled the negativity and temptations in my mind through many prayers. I specifically asked God to help me see hopeful plans more clearly than all my imagined fears (and not just in running). And I clearly asked him to give me passion for something good (and not just in running).

Well. God is a good parent. And He gives generously when it is for good. Praise Him for his mysterious yet tangible ways!

In April, during the week of the Boston Marathon, I learned of a little blond lady named Shalane Flanagan. Google her. She is an Olympic athlete, and her 10K pace is less than 31 minutes. (WOW!) I read about her history as a runner on one of the running sites I follow via Twitter, and the possibilities for my own running became clearer to me. Maybe it's because she has blond hair like me? Maybe it's because our society is recognizing women's abilities in a more positive way than the past? Maybe it's because I turned 30 in March, and instead of fearing my mortality, I now want to embrace what is left of it? Whatever the answer, a mental dam in my mind broke the day I read about her, and I wanted to run FAST for the first time in my life. Up to that point, I just wanted an effective cardio workout that kept me slim, as well as a peaceful escape for my mind.

Since April, I have shaved more than 10 minutes off my 6-miler. I used to do it in 55 minutes, and I am consistently keeping it under 45 the past month.

I ran my first race at the end of August in Clinton, KY. A church hosted a 5K to raise money for a mission trip. My goal was to run it in less than 24 minutes, and I completed the race in 22:56, as the first woman and fifth person to cross the finish line.

In September, I ran a huge Chick-fil-A race with a new friend in Memphis. That was fun! The same friend and I also ran a fun four-mile obstacle course on Halloween, dressed as chefs. Ice water, climbing walls with ropes, crawling on wet grass under barbed wire -- SO FUN!

I ran my first half-marathon (something I'd wanted to do for years) on October 17 in Grand Rivers, KY, through the Land Between the Lakes Park. Oh, my, it was so beautiful! My initial goal was to run in under two hours, and as I trained, I knew that was certainly going to happen. My finish time was 01:45:15. I was almost the first-place woman, but a woman I hadn't seen since I passed her at the beginning of the race beat me by one second on the last tenth of a mile -- it was SO EXCITING to sprint to the finish with her! I was the eighth-place human, second-place woman.

I haven't raced since that half because life got busy with a two-month full-time substitute teaching job as a friend's maternity replacement. Thankfully, I have been training five days a week throughout that crazy time. I purchased some new tools with the money I earned (another answered prayer). One of those tools is a stationary bicycle. My feet are small, and if I run hard on them every day, I get injuries. The bike is wonderful for cross-training because it keeps my cardio strong... and it strengthens muscles that make me a faster runner, all while giving my little footsies the recovery they need. I am very thankful for the tools I requested.

Tomorrow I am racing in a New Year's Day 5K in town, and I look forward to seeing what my body can do with the continued training and faster speeds I am gaining. The competition and adrenaline of a race are so motivating! My skills seem better suited for distance than short speed, but I feel like the 5K will be a good speed workout for hopefully busting some more mental blocks.

Lord-willing, I will be running a half-marathon in Lebanon on February 6, as part of my training for the full-marathon I will be running on April 9 (Lord-willing) here in town. I also have a 5K planned with one of my best friends in March... and I am hoping to run a fun inflatable 5K with some friends in May. And I can't look much farther than that from here, but I pray God continues to provide the passion, health, and opportunity to see what He can do with my health or sickness, my successes or failures, my connections to opportunities and other people.

He has already blown my mind. Who would have thought worried little Nicoll, so plain and normal, could achieve these speeds?! I didn't. But now I have some kinda fantastical goals (that I will keep quiet about for now)! However, I pray every day for God to keep me grounded. I want to serve Christ's Kingdom, not my own -- which is a constant temptation. Today is the last day of 2015. Who knows what tomorrow holds, much less next month or next year or ten years from now? One thing I know it holds: God's ever-teaching and -interacting LOVE!

Getting Started With Running: How I Nurse My Baby and Run

These are the first nine winners (out of 115) from my first half-marathon last month. See number 8???
Sorry -- I keep looking at this to be sure it happened, as life is crazy-busy, and it's a little surreal.
Random pic for this post. Ha!

A few women have expressed to me that they want to get back in their workout routine, whether it's running or something else, but that it's incredibly difficult to find the time to do it. A lot of the people in my social circle these days are young mommies, because I am too. After having a baby and adjusting physically to being pregnant and then not being pregnant -- and all of the recovery and adjustments from birth -- AND THEN adjusting to keeping a human being alive in a loving, growing environment are huge obstacles to personal fitness. I think it is normal and good to experience these seasons of change. We learn so much about ourselves and others and God that is more significant and certainly more eternal than being physically fit.

But when those adjustment seasons have passed, it can be difficult to break the mental barriers one must overcome to get back in her game. Working out has always been necessary to my mental/emotional wellness, and I learned that truth about myself as much in the times I did not exercise as the times I have. Since I am so sensitive to my body's physical fitness, it is a priority for me that I am drawn to like a magnet. I realize not everyone is like this. And that's okay.

We have two little boys. I nursed our 5-year-old until he was almost 35 months old, when our second was almost due. Our second will be 2 years old in ten days. (sniff, cry, sniff) I still nurse him. I still nurse him a lot. And I want to share how that works with my running because I am training pretty hard, and I am loving it. I am also enjoying breastfeeding. Don't get me wrong; I whine more than I should when I am exhausted... but I don't want either running or nursing to end any time soon.

BUDGET YOUR TIME AND ENERGY

Usually I am a stay-at-home mom, but I have been teaching full-time as a maternity substitute the past month and a half. I will be working this full-time position until Christmas break. Three more weeks to go! I think being a mom is really busy and difficult, no matter if you're working full-time away from your kids or working full-time with your kids. The challenges are different, and we all prefer some of those challenges to others, and maybe we feel called one way or another in different circumstances or seasons of life. The point is NOT if you work at home or not; the point is that if you *want/need* to make your fitness a priority, you CAN. Think of time and energy like money, though. You have a certain amount you can spend. so you have to use it wisely because we can't do all the things all the time, just like we can't buy all the things we want all the time. TIME AND ENERGY BUDGETING -- waaaaaaaaaaaay more difficult for me than budgeting finances.

The son I still breastfeed wakes up at least three times a night to eat. This works for our family. We did it with our first. I know I sound CRAZY. But it works for us. I feed him when he wakes every morning, at nap time (before and after -- but not before while I am teaching right now) and then when he goes to sleep at night... and those other times he wakes up in the night. I do just bring him in our bed so I can lay down and doze while he eats. Breastfeeding is one of the best experiences I've ever had. It has stripped me of sleep and comfort and dignity (in old ways)... but it has given me strength, ability, and dignity (in new ways). Some days I am amazed I can function on how little I sleep, especially compared to teenage me... but I feel great. I really think the constant alertness to someone other than myself keeps me in motion and helps me get back in motion when I'd otherwise convince myself I am incapable. Maybe all of parenting helps with this, yes? Not just the breastfeeding. Ha!

START WITH MOTION NOT SPEED

The first thing I tell people who are beginning runners is not to worry about how fast they're going. I advise people just to start moving, whether it's walking or biking or taking a class. Find a motion your body enjoys and do it at least three times a week for more than 30 minutes. The more you move, the better you'll get to know your body. And while you're moving and getting to know your body, you'll be preparing it for stronger and faster things. As you reach these milestones where you see the results and, more importantly, feel the results, you'll feel more comfortable setting goals for yourself. Before our first was born, I was running six miles at a time at least four times a week. I had built up to it after using the elliptical machine at our apartment complex's gym. It took a few months. I didn't feel rushed. I just moved because it felt much better than not moving. And I built on that movement.

After our first was born, I did not feel rushed to get back into running. I was recovering from an emergency c-section, and I was loving being a first-time mommy. I wore him in his carrier for nature walks at least four times a week, either around our neighborhood or the local trail. I used a Moby Wrap until he was 7 months old, and then an Ergo (which I have used SO MANY TIMES with both our boys for shopping and exercise. It is worth every penny). I got back into running about five months after he was born and built back to where I'd been pretty quickly. The runs were so helpful for my introverted mind. I was so exhausted from all the night-time feedings and all the other things in life. But I kept at it. Because moving felt better than not moving. Little by little, I felt stronger as a sleepless mommy zombie. About the time he turned two, I started training to run a half-marathon. I made it to my eleven-mile training mark... but I didn't make it to the half-marathon before getting pregnant with our second...

I wanted to run while pregnant with our second, but scary bleeding stopped me from doing that. I walked a little while pregnant, but I didn't stress about it. After he was born, I took both my boys on nature walks with me. I did wear them both a few times, one on the front and one on the back, but our older got too big for that really quick, so I'd push him in the stroller while I wore the little one. Conversations and peaceful silence on nature walks are really enriching educational and, more importantly, relational times. I stayed in motion, I definitely gained strength with all that extra weight I was pushing/carrying. I did that for about four months. Then I was ready to get back into running. At the time, I just wanted to jog for a certain amount of time, and then a certain amount of miles. And I just built on that over a few months. It was great alone time for this introverted mommy, and my husband had great play time with the boys after a day or a week at work.

It was about this time a year ago that I really wanted to up my running sessions throughout the weeks. My husband and I still communicate about it at the beginning of each week -- what afternoons will work best for him if I run for an hour... or if me getting up in the morning will be better. I plan out if getting up early on Saturday or running during the boys' nap time will be better for our family. Communicating and not being afraid to carve out time for work outs helps me a lot. My husband is very happy to help, and I am thankful for how appreciative and helpful he is. Again, he and the boys really enjoy that special time to "rough-house" or go somewhere together.

Almost eight months ago is when I really got the racing bug. I read about some amazing female runners who win races in faster times than I thought possible. I hadn't wondered about the possibilities before, and then when they were right in front of me... I came alive! I have shaved more than 10 minutes off my six-mile distance since them. I ran my first half-marathon six weeks ago (that's the one from the winners' chart above). I am running another half in February and my first full-marathon in April. I love pushing myself... at my own pace, while I read about other experienced athletes to help me realize what possibilities exist as I break negativity and insecurity in my mind.

I mentioned earlier that I am working full-time right now. I have been getting up very early (4 a.m.) to fit my runs in. If I wait until the evenings, I will be way too tired to do it. I know myself well enough after all these years to know I will regret NOT getting my exercise way more than waking up in a cold, dark morning. I do fall asleep as soon as my husband and I sit to chat after our boys are in bed... and I miss that time with him terribly.

I shared all of that, knowing that some of it will not work for some of you. Maybe none of it will work for you. But maybe it will help get you started to knowing what will work for you and your family. I want to encourage y'all, so please feel free to talk with me about it.

• Be patient with yourself while you get to know your body. 
• Be patient with yourself while you get to know your new body. 
• Don't compare yourself to me or anyone else.
• If someone says something ignorant that makes you doubt yourself as a mommy or a woman, remember they are ignorant about YOU! They don't see what you do all day or all the thoughts in your head and your heart. Sometimes the best intentions from others hurt our feelings the worst. Don't let those things overcome you.
• Don't be afraid to communicate with your husband about desiring that time for yourself. 
• Be brave to believe in your capabilities. You can do it too!

Happy fitness to you!