Sometimes I feel stuck between regrets of my past and the hopes battling my fears for the future, unsure of what to do with today. The choices I make to appease my fear are starkly different than the attempts I take to achieve my hopes. Time passes (too) quickly, I age, and making the best of my ride in its ever-forward trajectory is an urgent concern for me. Juggling my plans with others’ needs and the certainty of unexpected variables has me wobbling on the tense high-wire stretched between what’s behind and what’s ahead.
I trust the Lord directs my path, and He has always knit the good and bad into something more beautiful than I could ever imagine; but I wear the responsibility of my freewill in the meantime. So rather than a question of trust, this is more a question of action, even if it’s waiting peacefully for direction, when I am not sure where that faithful step into the dark will lead.
I started this post before my husband and I rented the movie _Passengers_ last night, starring Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence. The story was a provoking metaphor for the feelings and thoughts that inspired this post. The premise of the movie is that in the future luxury space travel allows people to move to a new planet to start a new life. The catch is that it takes one hundred and thirty years to get from Earth to the new place, so they must travel in hibernation stasis pods to halt aging. Two passengers (out of five thousand, plus the ship’s crew) mistakenly awake ninety years before they were supposed to. The acting and directing did well to catalyze all the thoughts and feelings one would have in such a devastating situation. They are thirty years away from all the friends, family, and experiences they left on Earth, and ninety years away from their hopes of new friends, family, and experiences. It’s a hopeless situation for a human lifespan. What are they going to do with all that time, trapped alone on a traveling ship; dwell on the past or future they can’t and don’t have, or make the most of what they do have? I don’t want to spoil it all, but the characters have to choose how to use years that they initially saw as a heartbreaking waste...
“Pout or play.”
My husband said this to our 4yo last week. Something happened during a ball-tag game, either a personal mistake or an unfair effect by the older brother, not sure as I was in the other room making supper. My husband masterfully, as always, acknowledged the disappointment and gently communicated reason with our two older boys. The 4yo wanted to wallow. He did have that choice. But I am thankful he chose to enjoy the rest of play time before supper because of my husband’s simple way of presenting the fork in the road: Pout or play.
Those options have been ringing in my head as a guide since.
Most days, the two extreme parts of my identity are arguing with each other, paralyzing me in doubt about how to proceed. Psalm 90:12 is a prayerful plea for God to help us number our days and be wise with our time. Past 30 and having babies who grow too fast, I comprehend how fast time is passing; and I want my time and relationships to hold great meaning.
All day, every day, my mind is sifting the possibilities, overwhelmed with all the granules of possible defeat or glory.
The conversation is between
- My past and future
- My most despicable failures and greatest potential
- My traditional roots and progressive branches
- My paralyzing fears and motivating hopes
- My most hateful resentment and merciful forgiveness
- My sin-captive temptations and untethered freedom
- What I know about myself and what I am afraid others think
- My limited, tiny-perspective self and all-powerful, -knowing, -creative Him
This is where the story is written.
Life is practiced as it happens, not performed when ready.
Choices are made.
Relationships are formed.
Paths are forged.
Wisdom and knowledge can help us grow.
We may have to wait or prepare, but what happens in those wings holds the transformational meaning that gives purpose to the stages we cross.
I don’t want to be cowardly by giving into fear; but I don’t want to be reckless with blind optimism.
I mustn’t be paralyzed in the meantime. Steps are falling into place, even if I don’t know where they lead, as I am anchored by foundational wisdom to defy gravity and stretch toward the skies.
Some scriptures ring in my head as I balance the truth that my heart can be deceptive and weak (Jeremiah 17:9) and that I was created in Christ to do good works (Ephesians 2:10).
Genesis 1:27 — I am made in God’s image.
Galatians 5:1 — FREEDOM in Christ.
Romans 8:2
Romans 8:11
Romans 8:14-17
John 16:7 — Having the Spirit’s inner help is better than having Jesus here, His own words.
2 Timothy 1:7 — God gave me a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline, not timidity.
Mistakes will happen, but two steps forward will always beat one step back, even if less convenient or urgent than I’d prefer.
Simply take the next right step.
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