Finding Glory in Personalities Not Shame

“Isn’t it wonderful,” said Lucy. “Have you noticed one can’t feel afraid, even if one wants to? Try it.” ~From The Last Battle by CS Lewis

I get bogged down by my personality, and even though I see a sea of self-assured others, I think I am not the only one wanting to like myself but finding it difficult. The things that seem easy for non-shy, vibrant, decisive personalities are like pulling shameful teeth for me. Flexible strength comes by stretching out of my comfort zone, which is good. BUT I also feel like I’ve been distracted from more purposeful tasks by trying to be something I’m not, fitting into roles not meant for me, or wallowing in shame for not being more like So & So. Embracing who I am and setting focused boundaries for myself, while also having the ability to adapt when needs arise, feels true and good as I practice being who God made to be and as He continues to help me mature. 

The mystery of God’s purposes inside individuals’ personality traits fascinates me, especially as I seek, ask, and knock for Him to clear MY path—or at least point me in the right direction for swinging my scimitar at all the jungle vines distracting me and barring my way. I have a lot of curiosity in how nature and nurture sharpen and shape each person through life’s relationships and experiences. This psychological frontier in our first world of resources and education seems as exciting as any trip to the stars, except as a treasure hunt for God's glory inwardly limitless toward countless souls. I believe it will help so many brothers and sisters find our places in Christ’s Kingdom, the parts of His body we are. Not that we don’t already have significant places without understanding ourselves better, but I think understanding whether we’re introverted or extroverted or knowing if we avoid pain or wallow in it — and why — can help us move past distractions and insecurities we place on on ourselves to make love more whole in His church. (1 Corinthians 12:12-27)

In the past month I have finally read two books that have been on my radar for a while: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain and Love Does by Bob Goff. The authors are two talented humans who have very different personalities, but who have both sought excellence in who they are. 

I am an introverted person, who is not only overwhelmed by crowds and noise, but also by trying to sort out all the feelings in my heart and thoughts in my head. A lot is going on "upstairs," requiring a lot of internal energy, but it gets jumbled on its way out of my mouth or when trying to connect with others. When I read Quiet, I felt relieved to understand my brain, just like my counselors have been telling me, is wired to feel uncomfortably and anxiously stimulated in certain settings. I’m not a cowardly, shameful, disappointingly useless vessel if I prefer slower, quieter, more cautious, and therefore hopefully healthier and deeper manners of relationship with a few, as opposed to charismatic friendships with any and all. Cain even had a chapter devoted to how anxious introverted Christians usually feel in typical evangelical settings; our reluctance to be immediately and expressively welcoming to strangers in crowds with eternal-salvation pressure has us feeling like we don’t love people (and therefore God) enough. Despairing sigh. I don't know if she is a Christ-follower, but I think she had a lot of useful things to offer the Christian population in how we consider ministry and allowing different parts of the body to be utilized for their proper purposes, which has implications far beyond the extroverted and introverted dynamic. She highlighted talents introverts have that have encouraged me to value the less conventional services I can offer the world and to be creative with what I feel comfortable doing, instead of just assuming I am a wimp with no character. Just because I am introverted doesn’t mean I am going to hide in a hole. Being conditioned by extroverted family members and a lifetime of Christian fellowship may have left me feeling out-of-place many times; but now that I am more aware of myself and others, I also am thankful for how those encounters saved me from isolation and loneliness, stretched me into stronger and more flexible skins. 

Bob Goff is an amazing human. I really like who he is. And I feel like he is my opposite. I dislike how weighed down I feel by responsibility and danger. I am two-thirds through Love Does, and I am struck by not only his courageous and FUN spirit, but also by his humility and what must be a work ethic that matches his sense of adventure to provide for all his spontaneous worldly excursions and rescues. His life is full of amazing encounters that are brimming with the Spirit’s abundant presence. Wow! Honestly, as much as I enjoy his stories, I have an equal amount of resentment that I am not driven toward fun like he is. My sense of responsibility and scarce, limited resources has led me to a path of honoring deprivation and misery over abundance and opportunities. I have hated that about myself for forever, especially when reading parables about how Jesus made more than enough out of nothing. I’m likely not going to experience the freedom Goff enjoys, the material or spiritual, until Heaven. But finding opportunities in my own unique little life to cultivate God’s blessings doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Just because I am much different than a fun adventurer doesn’t mean my responsibility or concern for danger can’t be healthy somewhere in our path, right? 

For years now I have been trying to retrain my automatic thoughts to hopefully open a path of flourishing, instead of withering. A lot of progress has been laid, but much dead overgrowth that sucks significant stores away from healthy limbs is left to prune. 

Who am I? Why am I here? How can I embrace what’s mine when everyone else’s is in “plain sight” to covet? I just turned 33. Time is passing too quickly. I want to stop wondering about wandering. God, I know Your grace protects my limited, ignorant soul; but please make known to me my part in Your Kingdom because I am eager to engage with You and the people around me. I want to see healthy boundaries clearly so my yes can be yes and my no can be no, without all the squandering doubt and anxiety. The compass of my conscience has burned out. However, the wearier my faith becomes the stronger becomes Your faithfulness. At least that is apparent. 

CS Lewis describes heaven as an onion in The Last Battle; only, instead of the layers getting smaller as you “go further up and further in,” they get larger and more beautiful and more real. I think each of our hearts and minds are like this, with His Kingdom in our hearts even now in this “Shadowland” of what is to come — and I believe more pixels of God can be revealed to us as we pair knowing ourselves with His Word and the Spirit’s work in our days. 

Bob Goff lives without fear. Susan Cain reminds me that the anxiety attached to my brain composition can be concentrated into useful and needed roles. And CS Lewis paints a varnish of beauty over all this. What will I remind people of?