A Continued Conversation About Suicide -- Healing Inside

Suicide breaks my heart, each time I hear news about someone taking his or her own life. I have struggled with self-harm and suicidal thoughts through years of depression and anxiety. Confusion adds to the frustration of my loneliness, bitterness, and fear because I've been blessed, despite some very rocky twists on life's journey. Reasons I can't count contribute to the reasons individuals struggle with self-hate. As I age, and my brain doesn't get fitter with each passing day, I meditate a lot on finding a solution to this heartache. I don't think suicide has as much to do with outside circumstances and relationships, although those certainly have influence, as it does with a personal relationship with one's self. We're expected to make so many impacting decisions before we even know ourselves; people are filling up our minds and hearts before we have the ability to guard them.

Since having children, the exhausting passions of my regretful past and their please-God-full-of-hope-and-confidence-future swirling inside of me not only make some days harder than others, but I also deeply desire to overcome the intensifying self-hate, -doubt, -hopelessness so I can believe my kids will pass through the fire and the waves on their paths. My father-in-law took his own life last year, and it shook up all of us. My husband and I had been battling my suicidal thoughts quietly with my family before that. And it's just an aching, real thorn that needs remedy -- inside our family and throughout the world.

Yeah, one of my problems is that I want to rescue everyone. Which really does *nothing* but make me great at hiding from everyone -- because I can't handle the truth that I can't save people AND I'll still have that feeling when I'm around them. And I am okay hiding until I can handle that truth. It's what I need right now, and one day I'll be ready.

Soooo... I'm trying to keep in mind this blog post, on this blog in which I've been honest about my struggles multiple times before, isn't going to save the world. But maybe it can help someone else in your efforts to love yourself and practice loving yourself every day. Just like with romance, love isn't a one-time magnetic suck that makes everything assured forever -- it's a commitment to hard, tedious work, a steadfast ability to pick up yourself after you fail, to let yourself be happy and free to succeed, owning your ups and downs through life's ups and downs, acknowledging the passing of time and seasons. Anyway, this is my current role on this journey.

I am an incredibly lonely person. Looking in on my life, you would wonder how on Earth that is possible. I have a supportive husband, adorable, mostly-not-crazy kids, and a community of church family that spans all the different stops in my 33 years of life. How can I be lonely? Come to think of it, how've I always felt so lonely?

I hate being real with people, but I hate even more to be unreal. And, guess what, I feel like my reality is poison, actually green toxins you can see spewing out of my ears, nose, and mouth if you get too close. I have always been sensitive, obsessive, and very aware of brokenness and darkness -- but I want to impress people too. I mean, who wouldn't have a blast hanging around someone like me? (roll my eyes)

In the kids' movie Frozen, two sisters learn to love each other through the magical curse/cursed magic of the eldest. Elsa has this amazing ability to create ice artwork, but it's also really dangerous if it gets out of control. My little sister has red hair and an optimistic personality, like Anna, so it's easy for me to identify with Elsa the Ice Queen. She hides in her room her whole life after her magic accidentally hurts her baby sister, and then when she reaches the age for her queenly duties, her emotions lose control about what her responsibilities and the possibility of injury could mean? Afraid to hurt anyone, she runs up to hide on a mountain, alone, where she can't hurt anyone. If only her story could end there, "happily"? She has a little sister who loves her and wants to be with her, plus she, unbeknownst to her, brought on a summer blizzard that has trapped everyone in the fjord village. Ugh. She has to be part of the world. She has to use her gifts to fix the mess she made. 

But then she also gets to love and be loved. 

And she gets to explore and use her gifts for joy and progress. 

We each have poison inside of us that becomes infectious when misunderstood, but we also each have magic inside of us that can make our world a better place when paired with love. 

Self-talk is so important. POSITIVE self-talk is going to construct your skills and build joy around you. Negative self-talk is going to imprison you and hurt those who care for you.

Break away from belief systems that are unhealthy. Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater, though. All or nothing is as much a myth as a flawless idea of perfection. Every single step between where you begin and where you end up matters as much as the adorable baby and the admired elder. I've realized that how seriously and absolutely I obey every sermon I've ever heard, all of them told by mere humans who don't know it all and many of whom are just as unhealthy as I am, hurts me. I have come to believe that any pleasure I have is wrong, and that I only live for others' pleasure. Scratch that! It made me miserable, resentful, and stunted. But I am not throwing away all the loving community of my church family because of it. They have been there my whole life, being patient when I was oh.so.fun, and they will continue to be. I may have to set better boundaries in my mind, but I want to be here for them too.

And now I actually understand why having a personal friendship with Jesus is what being His follower is about, not church worship doctrine or moral control over my surrounding people. Jesus is such a good friend to me. That used to creep me out when I heard hippie-dippie people say it. But now He is the breath that keeps me alive, and I look forward to knowing Him even better every day and seeing how He can make the world better -- just through me, not my doing. He is with me on my good days, and He is with me on my bad days -- being with me, hoping with me, not condemning me.

Okay, I have to go. The kids will be awake and chattering soon. Please let me know if you need to talk. I won't always be available because I am a human with a family and much to do... but I can try to help you find what you need. Counselors and crisis hotlines are very good first steps. Medication is wonderful too. God has made a lot of smart, dedicated, real people who are tackling reality in practical ways to help us. 

The first jump into the pool is always the coldest and most uncomfortable -- but if you take the plunge, the joy follows swiftly. And then you start over again the next time. Don't give up.